Thursday, February 8, 2018

Squirrel Lives Matter

Squirrels are remarkably persistent little buggers.

There was an incident the other day.   We have bird feeders to feed the cardinals, painted buntings, tufted titmice, chickadees, doves, and even the occasional woodpecker.   The squirrels thought this was a swell idea as well, and started jumping on the feeders and trying gnaw through their support cables.

I took a couple of feeders down and put them on the screen porch while I decided what to do with them.   I didn't think about it for a day or so until I noticed a squirrel on the feeder.  I went out on the porch and saw another one inside the screen porch.   He had eaten a hole right through the screen, knocked over the feeder and was gorging himself on bird feed.

I was pissed.  You want to come into my house with that shit?  You crossed a line, here, buddy!   And I whacked him with a broom handle, intending to teach him a lesson.   Well, he must have had a weak heart, as he died in custody.  Squirrels were outraged.   The next day, I woke up to this on my front lawn:

Mark has a sick sense of humor.

There was silence at the feeders for a few days.  No squirrels at all.  But now they are back and bolder than ever.   They seem to be more "in my face" than ever before.  I think they are daring me to start something so they can make an issue out of it.

Sadly capital punishment was abolished for Squirrels in 1975.

So it looks like I'll have to buy a "Hav-A-Hart" trap and try to relocate the little buggers.  Who knows, maybe some shithole country will take them in.  I hear squirrel tastes like chicken.

Well, that was politically incorrect.  But at least I didn't publish it on MLK day.

UPDATE:   More squirrels are incarcerated than any other rodent.   This is unfair!

Decriminalize seed, man!

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