Outside Looking In

Living outside of a society can provide certain advantages

Many weak-thinking people like to use stereotypes or racial prejudices to justify (externalize) their own malfeasance.   "But for" those immigrants, Jews, or Blacks, they would be successful people in their own right.   They think that is obvious that those "other people" took things away from them.

And of course, this is not the case.  Stereotype or not, it is true that many immigrants do become wildly successful when they come to this country, often in a short period of time.  And yes, may Jews are successful doctors, lawyers, and bankers, but not because of nefarious schemes, but ironically in part, because of the very prejudices people have against them.

Simply stated, when you live outside of a culture, looking in, you have a huge hidden advantage over the natives in that culture.   You are immune from the poor normative cues that are bombarded at the native population.  And as an outsider, perhaps the instinct to succeed and be self-reliant is stronger.  And in addition to that, cultural binds can act as a backstop to your efforts.  Being an outsider is your greatest strength, not a weakness.

Let me explain what I mean.

A typical waspy middle-class American has it pretty easy in this country - and as a result, they don't try very hard to succeed in life.   My family, for example, was one generation or two removed from lower-middle-class to an actual poverty existence - on both sides of the family.  While the more recent generations had done well, the burning desire to succeed in life did not burn bright.   We were content to be part of the "mainstream" of America, and buy and consume as much as we did, saving little for tomorrow.   And although our family valued education pretty highly, I was told, as a child, that going to law school or medical school was "hard" and that I should just forget about that.   I learned later on, of course, that law school wasn't all that difficult.

And I look back in life and think about all my waspy friends from high school (and briefly, in prep school) and how their lives worked out.   Coming from money, few succeeded in life to make more money - most made less than their parents, others simply lived off their parents, for the rest of their lives.  Of course, they had bitching cars and toys and lots of wild parties.   They bought into the normative cues of our society, which tell us that real wealth is the wanton display of wealth and that accumulating wealth is less important than spending it.   So their outcomes were pretty predictable.

Now consider the immigrant.   They come to America, often with nothing, and not even speaking the language in many cases.   At first, these may seem as huge handicaps in starting out, but in fact, they are advantages.   Money is tight, so it is respected, and the motivation to create wealth and accumulate it are strong.  The idea that there will be another paycheck next week so they can make their jet-ski payments, is just alien to them.   You don't see a lot of immigrants driving monsters trucks or other money-wasting nonsense like that.

Not knowing the language or culture, they are immune to most of the poor normative cues that are hurled at most of the middle class.   So instead of spending $150 a month on cable television that is broadcasting in a foreign language, they plow their money into their business.   And often, they start a business, not out of choice, but necessity - as job openings may not be available to them.   And besides, in their home country, a "job" might be a foreign concept to them - you run a business, you farm, or you starve.

So they come here, they thrive, they succeed, and many become pretty rich, in a few short years.   At that point, yes, the normative cues do kick in.   And we've seen many a young Asian family buy a huge mini-mansion and his-and-hers Mercedes, just so they can take a picture to send to "the folks back home" to tell them, yes, the streets in America really are paved with gold.   It is the American dream - to create success from nothing, based on your own hard work and your merits.  Good for them!

Sadly, many "native born" Americans don't see it that way.   They spread malicious rumors on the internet  that immigrants are given special treatment - free clothes, cars, houses, and special "immigrant-only" stores where they can get free furniture.  They also believe that immigrants are given tax-free status or special tax holidays.   Of course, none of this is true, it is just sour grapes and externalizing.   The native born middle-class white folks in this country can't get their lazy fat ass off the sofa to fetch a beer, much less start their own business or company.   There has to be some sort of catch, right?   No, that is just weak thinking and externalizing.

The same is true for other minorities, including religious minorities.  Again, weak-thinking people would use antisemitism to explain why many Jews are successful in life (and that is a stereotype - there are a lot of poor Jews out there, too!).   But the reasons for such success are much the same as for immigrants.  Living in a minority culture that is isolated and separated from "mainstream" American culture means that they are less susceptible to the poor normative cues flung at the rest of our society.   Not going into credit card debt up to your eyeballs trying to have the "Perfect Christmas" is probably a big leg-up right there.  And I suspect there are few Jews driving monster trucks or owning jet skis.  But again also, I think being a religious minority (with a history of being persecuted) also means that self-reliance and value of success and education take a higher cultural priority.  

And speaking of cultural priorities, in minority and immigrant communities, being on the outside often means having to band together to succeed.   Some immigrants to this country, not having enough to start a business, and not having a credit history to borrow money, will pool their money together with others, and choose of their number to start a business.  That person succeeds and pays back the others.  And success is that much more imperative, when not only your own dreams, as well as that of your family, but your friends and neighbors, are at stake.  Strong family and community ties can be an advantage.

For us wasps?   We drone on about how awful our families are ("dysfunctional" we say) and boot our kids out the door once they graduate from college.   Italian immigrants keep their sons at home until age 35.  It's not just culture or family or whatever - it's also about money.    

We, on the other hand, don't work together as a family to succeed, but rather compete with one another - for parental affection, validation, or even parental wealth.   Our parents aren't proud of us, but run us down, instead.  No wasp Mom says, "My son!  The Doctor!" but instead would belittle even that choice of career.   When I went to Engineering school, my Mother ran it down as a "trade school."  That was the positive feedback I got, coming from a privilege background.   And maybe that is a luxury of being in the majority and in the mainstream of culture.  You are the culture, so you don't feel you have to work as hard.   Why not?  You're entitled to success.  And dirtying your hands with things just isn't in the cards.  

And maybe, as many immigrants and minorities become more mainstream, they too, will fall victim to the same sins.    The more you try to "blend in" to society, the less successful you become.   One or two generations, and wealth dissipates, and the children of the wealthy feel less of the burning desire to succeed.

And of course, this sense of entitlement is one reason why many white folks are up in arms (often literally) about how our culture is changing.   I've heard some folks argue that white folks are already a minority in this country!  This is, of course, not true (and not even nearly true, we are at 63% or so, and even if "outnumbered" by other races in the next 20 years, we will still be the largest single ethnic group in America).  They are worried that their life on "easy street" is coming to an end, and that they will have to compete on their merits, like those immigrants and minorities.  The idea that a young waspy guy could go to liberal arts college and just get a job with a company and work his way up to VP, just ain't happening anymore.  Times they are a-changing.

That explains, perhaps, why guys like Sheldon Adelson, can go from first generation American, to one of the richest men in the world.  He's got the immigrant thing working for him, and the religious minority thing and cultural backstop working for him.   When he started off selling newspapers at age 12, I am sure his parents said "Great work, Sheldon!  You're such a go-getter!"   My parents, on the other hand, encouraged me to quit, as they thought their son doing such work was "beneath" their status level.  Funny how that works.

I'm not saying I'm a big fan of Mr. Adelson's politics, or casino gambling.  But one of his most profitable casinos is in Macau, where he fleeces Chinese gamblers for every red cent (no pun intended).   So maybe he's helping the balance of trade somewhat.

Now of course, my theory has some holes in it.   Not all immigrants are wildly successful.  Some do come here with money, of course.   And some minority groups, such as Blacks, are well over-represented below the poverty line.   Why isn't this "outside looking in" deal working for them?

Well, either my theory if full of holes, or the answer is this:  Blacks are not very culturally different than white folks.  No seriously.   If you think about it, white people and black people fall victim to the same poor normative cues and spend too much money and desire too much "bling" (hell, they invented the word) and other signs of status.   So rather than being immune to these poor normative cues they become hyper-sensitive to them.  The desire to show off apparent wealth and status in the Black community is probably two to three times as strong as the white community.   That is where you will find the rent-to-own bling rim store, the rent-to-own furniture store, and the buy-here-pay-here used car dealer - all offering immediate status symbols if you are willing to mortgage yourself for the rest of your life.   And perhaps Hispanics do fall victim to this mentality as well - but not as badly.

What got me thinking about this was the fact that what little success I have had in life was achieved by turning away from things like the television and societal cues.   I have always been a cultural outsider, never quite understanding why people obsessed about certain things, trends, fads, or fashions.   And while being "outside" the mainstream might make you unpopular with your peer group, it can be your greatest strength.   People will call you "odd" or "weird" or "different" - go ahead, let them.   But trying to "keep up" with a peer group is one sure way to spend yourself into the poorhouse.

NEVER look at being an outsider as a disadvantage in life.  It may be your greatest advantage.   The "popular" kids in high school and college never went anywhere later in life.   They spend their energies on superficial things (and of course, running the "unpopular" kids down, which is part of the gig - to keep you in line, so they can have their entitlements).   If you can ignore that, you can succeed wildly, simply because you can see things they can't and do things they won't.

It is your greatest strength!

Informed Consent

Making decisions based on Bad Data will almost always lead you to make a bad decision.

One of the themes I harp upon in this blog, is the need for people to take responsibilities for their own actions.   We all run into difficulties in our lives, but many, if not all, of those difficulties, are the result of our own actions.

People bought over-priced mini-mansions in the 2000's and then financed them with funny-money mortgages, and then complain when it all goes South in a hurry.  It has to be someone elses fault that they couldn't buy-and-flip and make a quick hundred grand, right?

Other folks text me on their new iPhones about how hard it is to live "paycheck to paycheck" on only $150,000 a year.  After all, what with the cable bill and car lease payments, who can afford to go out to eat more than 4-5 nights a week?

People make bad choices, and then try to blame others when those choices go awry.  It is human nature.

But in other instances, people make bad choices based on bad data, and of course, these choices go awry, as any decision you make based on bad data is bound to go bad.   And in many instances, this bad data is intentionally provided (and good data intentionally hidden) in order to corral you into making a bad choice in life.

What do I mean by this?

Well, by "bad data" I mean anything from real hard numbers, to opinions and social pressures.

Let's take the timeshare seminar as a classic example.

If you go to one of these deals, they make you sit in a room for hours and listen to presentations about how great timeshares are.   You are bombarded with bad data - the idea that "buying" a week of a timeshare is a "better deal" than just paying for your vacation every year.  And if you sit there long enough, you may start to believe this.

And they do plan shills in the audience.   And before long, one of them will tap you on the shoulder and say, "Gee, this sounds like a swell deal!  My wife and I are going to buy two!  What do you think?"

And pretty soon, the whole room is abuzz with talk about how great timeshares are, and people get out their checkbooks and sign up for these nightmares, which they spend the rest of their lives paying for.

The decision was based on bad data - and the bad data was placed in front of them on purpose so that it would lead them to make that decision.  Any data to the contrary (good data) is intentionally suppressed - or if it is presented, it is ridiculed.

Now granted, if you were a skeptical person and used some common sense (as well as a calculator) you might quickly come to the conclusion that the time-share deal was a bad deal, and get up and walk out.   But then again, if you were a skeptical person, you wouldn't go to the presentation to begin with, as you wouldn't believe that you are getting a "free barbecue grill!" or a free vacation, for attending a time-share seminar.

If you were skeptical, you would have stopped believing in something-for-nothing and free ponies, a long time ago.

Few of us are that skeptical, I'm afraid.

So it is all-too-easy to make bad choices, based on bad data.   And some folks who got burned in the housing market, or are "living paycheck to paycheck" are claiming they are getting bad data as well, which to some extent they were.   But in their case, they got bad data - and then intentionally ignored the good data.

Salespeople are the source of most bad data.   They tell you sweet lies about anything, so long as it gets you to buy, buy, buy.  A car salesman will say that the new car you are looking at "makes you look sexy" and has "low depreciation."  He will say that the cost of repairs on your old car will be more than the payments on your new one!  He will say that leasing makes sense, as it "frees up your cash flow".   He will say a lot of things, most of them are outright lies.

And the same is true with the Real Estate debacle.   Real Estate agents told lies (bad data) such as "buy now, before you get priced out of the market!"   And mortgage brokers said, "this payment-optional mortgage will qualify you to buy that mini-mansion!   You can always sell the property for a huge profit later on, or refinance if rates go up!"   All lies, of course.  And people believed them and made bad decisions and ended up in trouble.

For the "I'm living paycheck-to-paycheck" person, the same is true.   They spend all their money on bling and junk and restaurant meals, and then wonder "where all the money went?"   They can't be over-spending as they are just living the "normal" life that is sold on the television, right?   It is not like they are spending extravagantly, right?    The "bad data" in this case, are the normative cues they are taking from the television and their neighbors and co-workers.

Now, there are some decisions you may make in life which are based on lack of data as well, which can be just as deadly.  And in some instances, this lack of data is simply due to your lack of interest in finding it.

For example, when I was a youth, I never gave much thought to the food I consumed or the quantities.   As far as I was concerned, beer was good, and more of it was better.  And a bag of chips with that was better still.   I was ruining my health, and not paying attention.   If I had bothered to do a little research, I would have known better.   But as time progressed, I realized these habits were killing me, and tried to learn more and get better data.   I realized what I was doing wrong, although it was hard to break old habits - which is why marketers want to get us into those habits early on.

But in some instances, the data simply isn't there.  Take smoking for example.   For my parent's generation, smoking was just something everybody did.  It is hard to explain to youngsters these days, but when I was their age, everybody smoked and if you didn't smoke, you were the oddball.   To be sure, there was some research about smoking and cancer, but this "good data" was buried under a mountain of marketing as well as bad data disclaiming cancer research as flawed (sounds like the discussion on climate change, don't it?).

Today, if you decide to smoke, you are making a bad decision and you know it, unless you live under a rock or something.

Another example is High Fructose Corn Syrup.  In the late 1970's, this junk was put into our food, as the corn lobby pushed through a law that doubled sugar prices overnight.   There was no public debate or discussion about whether this stuff was good for us, or why we might need to put import duties on sugar or whatever.   It was just done, without our consent, and overnight, every foodstuff in America had this new junk in it, and most of us didn't even know it had happened.

There was no data to be had at all.   One day you go to the store and there is new "stuff" in your food.

In the past, this sort of thing caused outrage - which is why the Food and Drug Administration was created in the first place.  The idea was, people don't have control over the contents of their own food supply, and thus there should be some standards maintained, along with a list of ingredients on each package, so that people could have "good data" from which to make a decision.

So how do you tell good data from bad data?   It is not easy to do.  But one sure way is to be suspicious of any deal that sounds too-good-to-be-true.   When someone offers you a deal or presents data that is overwhelmingly one-sided in your favor (or in favor of the deal proposed) you should automatically be skeptical.

For example, I recently signed up for NetTalk, which is a service like MagicJack, and provides unlimited phone calling in the US and Canada for $30 a year.  Now, that sounds too-good-to-be-true, as I was paying $30 a month for the same service from AT&T, only I was getting only 250 minutes a month, and only for the US!  So naturally, I was skeptical.  This is a good thing.

As it turns out, my skepticism wasn't warranted.  The service is what they said it would be, and it saves me $300 a year in phone charges, if not more.   But I researched the service online, and thought carefully before signing up.  And so far, it has worked out well. And in researching, I intentionally sought out criticisms of the service (by searching on "NetTalk sucks" or "NetTalk ripoff").  What I found was that porting phone numbers was the major problem (which I was not going to do anyway, since it was not available in my area).  But no one seemed to complain that the basic service was not as advertised.

Similarly, it pays to walk away from salesmen and people hyping products.   Buying at a "brick and mortar" store is problematic, as you will be pummeled by salesmen who will say anything to make a sale - presenting all bad data, and no good.  One joy of shopping online is that you can research a bit and get both sides of the picture.

Sadly, most of us tend to discard good data and concentrate on bad.   We really think that new car will make us look sexy, or that leasing is a good deal - because we don't want to believe harsh realities and hear that we can't have a free pony.

The Windows Store (Fake?)

Microsoft is trying to capture some of the magic of Apple, with its own "Windows" stores.  Are they kidding us?

Apple has succeeded in the marketplace not by selling a lot of products (their products command a minority share of each market, sometimes a tiny, tiny share).  Rather, they have convinced people that their products are hip and trendy, and worth paying double or even up to fives or ten times as much as the competition.

It is, in a way, like those "Abercrombie" stores that sell $2 tee-shirts made in China, for $20 or more.   You convince the kid that they have to have one, and they will pony up the dough.

Meanwhile, at Wal-Mart, t-shirts are selling for a few bucks apiece.  Apple is Abercrombie.   Microsoft is Wal-Mart.

And Wal-Mart makes a lot of money - and has a far greater market share than Abercrombie.

The other day, we went back to the godforsaken upscale mall, as the car was being repaired and rather than wait around the dealer, the shuttle driver offered to drive us there so we could get lunch and kill time.  I could write a whole posting about the place, and perhaps will, shortly.   Trophy wives in upscale SUVs wearing skinny jeans from Forever 21.  Need I say more?

But getting back to our story, one of the stores there was a "Windows" store, set up like an Apple store, selling Windows Phones, pads, and I guess computers, too.   In case you have been living under a rock for the last 20 years, Apple has sold a lot of overpriced electronics by operating "Apple Stores" - the most famous being a glass box in Times Square.   You go in, and sit at the "Genius Bar" or whatever, and some salesman helps you decide what sort of technology best fits your lifestyle.   And a funny thing, in every case, it is an Apple product.  I doubt the "Genius" ever says, "Gee, for your needs and lifestyle and income, a $2500 Macbook just isn't worthwhile.  I would suggest a cheap laptop from  Wal-Mart instead!"

And if he was a real "Genius" he'd probably say that to 99% of the people coming in.  But he isn't a "Genius" - he's just some Randall Herschel in some sort of sales job.

So, it seems that Microsoft wants to capture some of this magic (and sales from clueless people who will buy whatever piece of equipment that some "Genius" tells them to buy) and has started setting up their own "Windows" stores, which look a lot like Apple stores.

We went by and it was amazing - there were like 50 people in there - customers and employees, and the chatter was deafening. What was odd was that it was a Friday morning and the fake "downtown" shopping mall was pretty empty.   Where did all these people come from?

So we went to lunch and then walked around some more, waiting for the shuttle bus.  We went by the Windows Store and the place was empty. There was one sales clerk behind the desk. No chattering crowd oohing and aaaahing over new Windows 8 products.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am not a Microsoft-basher.  I have, uh, seven computers right now (whose combined purchase price would be less than ONE Apple computer) and they all run Windows 7 or lower (I have a netbook running Android, but that is another story).  Windows products are cheap and easy to use, and when they break, you can just buy a new one, rather than consult with a "Genius" for $300 an hour.

But let's get real here, everyone hates Windows 8.  No one ooohs or aaahs over it.  Windows 7 is a good product, and Windows 10 will be.  But Windows 8 is the Vista of touch-screen O/S and that is saying a lot.

So, why the flash crowd at the Windows store - 50 people or more and at least a dozen salespeople?   Then, an hour later, no one?

It got me to thinking, did they just populate the place with shills?  One way to sell products is to make a place look really popular.  If you have a velvet rope out front, with a line of people waiting to get in, so much the better.

My hapless brother the hippie (the less crazy of the two) once ran into this effect.   He is, I'm afraid, a chumpster of the first order.  Living in New York, he got an "invitation" in the mail to a "hot new club" that was opening, and as one of the selected "movers and shakers" in the City, he was specially invited to attend the premiere.   So he got dressed up, took the invite, and for some reason went, without his wife, to go to a nightclub opening, at the ripe old age of 50 or so.   I am not sure what he was thinking.

It turns out, everyone in town got one of these "special invitations" and the club wanted to generate "buzz" for its opening night by having a long line to get in.   They never intended him to get in, but rather to stand in line to make the place look popular.   So he stood in line for a couple of hours (like I said, clueless!) until a television crew came down the line, and while interviewing the club owner, asked why these people were not being allowed in.  "Well, we have a dress code," he said, "and this guy" (indicating by brother) "is doing the grunge look, and that's not what we're all about here."

In other words, you ain't getting in, buddy.   And some people are idiotic enough to stand outside clubs, in lines like this, until 2 in the morning, hoping for the precious opportunity to pay a cover charge and $20 drinks, for just a few minutes in the fabled club which will close in a year or two and re-open as a felafel restaurant.

My brother is dense, but not that dense.  He got out of line and walked home, perhaps a little chagrined by the deal and feeling a little foolish.   But nevertheless he was fascinated by how this manipulation worked, and how businesses manipulate people using subtle psychology to make things seem popular and desirable - even a dank nightclub with sticky floors and overpriced drinks.

But that got me to thinking, I wonder if Microsoft filled that place up with shills?   Come to think of it, why not?   If you can make a place look "popular" by having a line out the door, well, some people (chumps in particular) will just get in line on general principal, thinking that anything people are in line for must be good, right?  And it would explain why the store went from 50 people to 1 in an hour.

And I wonder if Apple does this, too.   Why not?   Make sure you have every seat at the "Genius Bar" filled, so that people feel "lucky" to be allowed to sit there.  It is the Starbucks Effect - take a simple commodity (and computers today are indeed commodities - did I mention I own seven?)  and then convince people not only to pay 3-10 times the going rate for it, but also to consider the opportunity to buy as some sort of sacred privilege.

And this sort of thing is not new.   In the Madness of Crowds, Charles McKay describes how people in France (and later England) got caught up in stock bubble hysteria and threw their life savings away on worthless stocks.   The "Stock Jobbers" convinced these folks that they were lucky to even be allowed to buy these worthless stocks.

And so it goes.  Whenever Apple offers up yet another version of its iPhone, you can bet people will be "camped out" overnight to buy the phones.   Maybe some of these "campers" are paid by Apple?  It is an interesting question.   Ditto for Wal-Mart's unfortunately named "Black Friday Door Busters".

The best bargains are not to be had at the store which deems it a privilege on your part to be allowed to shop there.   And if there is a crowd (or appears to be a crowd) lined up to buy, ask yourself whether this represents real interest in the product, or just some hype generated by the marketing department.

And it goes without saying and any of these products can be bought more readily and cheaply online....

Class Warfare at CNN

Up-and-coming cities for the rich
Will you have enough to retire?
America's homes bigger than ever
Bentley's turbocharged convertible
Why your commute is getting worse 

Million-dollar backyards: From a blooming tropical oasis to sleek modern minimalism 

The richest Americans in history 

Men still lag behind in U.S. jobs recovery  

America's homes are bigger than ever 

How much do you need to earn to be happy? 

Lunch with Buffett goes for $2.2 million
77-year-old trader is the 'Oracle of Ohio'
99%ers, you can't afford these perks
Apple to be 'cheap' Monday. Will you buy?
Uber worth $18 billion | More than Barbie
I worked in finance. Now I'm a nurse
Will you have enough to retire?
Bentley's $219,000 convertible
Why your commute is getting worse 

Owning a home is no longer the American Dream 

Big Data knows you're sick, tired and depressed  

7 traits the rich have in common 

Millennials squeezed out of buying a home 

Super rich fantasies: Craziest requests for the luxury concierge 

I've been priced out of Detroit 

America's growing housing affordability gap 

Silicon Valley workers are saving more than you  

Do you earn enough to afford a home in one of these 27 cities?

 America's homeless: The rise of Tent City, USA 

Watch a homeless tent city in Camden, N.J. get bulldozed 

Camden shuts down its tent cities 

Retired women: 'How I get by' 

Retirement's gender gap leaves many women in poverty 

Million-dollar picnic boat has modern technology and classic looks 

Want to buy a home? Better be carrying lots of cash

 

What is up with CNN these days?

CNN has a "business section" (CNN Money) which has stories that are about anything but business.  The Wall Street Journal, this ain't.

The theme of this "business section" is bifucated.   One part is all about America's Super-Wealthy and the fancy cars they drive, the fancy homes they live in, and that sort of thing ("99%ers, you can't afford these perks!")

The other part is "America's Left Behind" - weepy pieces about some slug who got a degree in advanced bullshit, and now they can't find a job (or, someone who had a high-paying bullshit job, then lost it when the company realized they didn't need a "diversity counselor" - and since they never saved a nickel in their life, they are now flat fucking broke).

Through the twisted lens of CNN, America is made up of two groups of people.   First, there the downtrodden "plebes" who are forced to commute to work in a three-year-old SUV and can afford only one Latte a day at Starbucks.

Then, there are the elite, who whisk around in helicopters and buy your children to harvest their organs.

In between these sort of bullshit stories, they put in stock-picking stories or hype about the latest IPO (such as the article with yet another pitch to buy Apple stock).

And if you read any of these articles, they are utter and complete bullshit.   For example, "Millennials squeezed out of buying a home" profiles a young couple who actually bought a home.  In their driveway, in the background of the photo, is a brand-new Honda Accord.  What gives with this?   Life is so hard for 20-somethings?

When I was that age, yea, it was hard to make the mortgage payments (at 11.75% interest, no less).   But you are just starting out in life, and it is hard to go from ZERO to something.   But not impossible.

Oh, and yea, the home they were not-squeezed-out-of looks nicer than mine!

The common thread is this:  You are put-upon.  Life sucks.  The rich are buying quarter-million dollar cars with the money they have stolen from your checking account.

This is a weird, twisted, and distorted view of reality.  But then again, it is from a Cable Tee-Vee Channel.

Who watches this sick shit?  Who reads it?   Years go, I used to go to CNN to read the "news" of the day.  But lately, I am finding it less and less useful and more and more sensationalism.   Headlines blare "You'll never believe THIS!" and try to get you to click on some auto-loading video page (whose ads are scotched by AdBlockerPlus, thank you).   The thing you will "never believe" turns out to be nothing.   In fact, these click-bait titles are like police tape, warning you away from such stories.

But I think there is a real danger to this sort of "journalism".   It seems today, more and more people are convincing themselves what a raw deal they got in life - even as they drive around in a car, live in a house with air conditioning, and microwave their hot-pockets while watching 500 channels of cable on a 42" wall-screen color Tee-Vee.  America's uber-wealthy?  Hardly - such a lifestyle describes the very poor in America today.

When I was a kid, air conditioning - in your home or car - was a very rare thing.   We didn't have it.   No microwave, either - it was too expensive.   Our flickering black-and-white got three channels on a good day.   Were we the deprived poor living in Appalachia?   Hardly, my Dad was a Vice President of an electronics firm in Chicago, and we were living in tony Lake Forest, Illinois.

In other words, the lifestyle of an upper-middle-class family circa 1967 would be considered below-the-povery-line today.   But few people see this.

And in fact, some folks argue that poverty is "relative" and that a poor person "feels poor" by dint of the comparison of his lifestyle to that of others.

And thanks to CNN, he can spend all day long comparing his lifestyle to that of the very richest people in America.

If you want to be happy in America - or indeed anywhere else - you have to stop comparing your life to that of others.   Do what makes you happy.   And if you want to get ahead, feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to make things better.

And measuring your success by the yardstick of the richest man on the planet is a sure-fire way to be miserable.

It just goes without saying, stop watching this shit (and reading it).   The television is designed to make you depressed, as depressed people make excellent consumers.

Unplug from the Cable Cabal!

Toxic Parenting

You can't spell "Smother" without "Mother"

Note:  I wrote this post over a year ago, and decided not to post it.   The article in question was posted to the Huffington Post, and I thought it was one of those baiting articles designed to get you all riled up.  Since then, MSNBC and CNN have picked it up, largely because the opportunistic Mom who wrote it titled it "I am Adam Lanza's Mother" when of course, she clearly isn't.

And it turns out, the lady has a blog called "Anarchist Soccer Mom" which sort of says it all, doesn't it?

No shit, really, Anarchist Soccer Mom.  Doesn't anyone at HuffPo vet this crap?

And as it turns out, if you read her blog, it is a real horror show.

I picked up on this right away, and was one of the few commentators to say, "Gee, this doesn't sound right!"  But others heaped praise on her, and scorn on anyone who dared question her parenting skills!

Because, as we all know, 15 minutes in the back seat of a Camaro makes you an expert parent, right?

Wrong.  All Parents are amateurs, by definition.

Anyway, here is the posting I was not going to post:

* * *

In a recent opinion piece on the Huffington Post, a mother of a mentally ill child, trumpets what a good job she is doing raising the kid, by micro-managing his everyday life.

She recounts, with apparent glee, how she escalates a simple choice of what pants to wear to school (the school has a dress code) into a trip to a mental hospital.

Commentators fell all over themselves congratulating this lady on her tough-love approach to child-rearing.

Myself, I was appalled.

The worst part of this whole deal is that she has posted this online, apparently looking for attention and validation for her brave work.   So now her son's friends at school can all read it and mock him for it.  She has emotionally castrated her son, in the national media.  And we are supposed to say "Job well done, Mom of the Year!"

Sorry, no sale!  What a narcissistic and evil thing to do!

If you read my blog, you may realize that my parents were a little less than perfect.   My Mother was an Alcoholic bi-polar closeted Lesbian.  My Dad was a philandering child-beater with an anger-control problem.  But in retrospect, these faults seem trivial, compared to those of the over-controlling helicopter parents of today.

Mom, Dad, you didn't do too badly, compared to this lady.....

One thing my parents did right was to let me make a lot of my own mistakes in life - which I learned from.  As I have noted before, you learn more from failure than success.  In fact, you learn nothing from success, usually.  But failure is one painful lesson after another - lessons that stick in your mind and actually teach something.

So rather than try to shield her child from failure, she should have let him wear the blue pants to school.   Either he would be right - and no one at the school would care (after all dark blue and black are indistinguishable to some folks, including me) or he would have been called to the Principal's Office and had to deal with the consequences (detention, suspension, whatever).

Making mistakes and dealing with the consequences is a key ingredient in life.  And when you are shielded from making any mistakes at all you really aren't living at all.   No wonder the kid is rebelling.

Sadly, this super-Mom wants to control the situation from the get-go, and part and parcel of this is a series of ultimatums she has enacted, which are triggered by any one of a number of pre-set conditions, behaviors, or even words.  The kid is living in a minefield - and he routinely steps on the mines.

So, on the way to school, a tearful argument ensues (I wonder what they had for breakfast - if any?  Was it cereal?  If so, there is part of your problem right there - blood sugar).  The kid is distraught.  Every little choice in his life - including what clothes to wear - is vetoed by his Mom!  She says "no more video games!" as a result of his petulance.

Really?  Mother of the year lets her mentally unstable kid watch video games?  Preferably first-person-shooter types, I presume!

So the kid makes a stupid suicide threat.   That's it!  He stepped on another mine and broke one of her "rules" and off to the mental hospital he goes for a four day visit!   Not surprisingly, the kid says he hates her.  Wouldn't you?

An argument about blue pants is escalated into a trip to the looney bin.  And Mom writes it all up for HuffPo, further embarrassing her child on a national scale and expects us all to give her accolades and kudos for her excellent parenting.  When does the kid get to write his rebuttal?  Mommy Dearest II?

And most of the commentators on the HuffPo site heaped accolades on her for her "bravery" in "sharing her story" - oblivious to the fact that it is also the son's story, and we are hearing only one side of it.  But it seems today, everyone is jumping on the bad-parenting bandwagon, where kids are treated like disobedient robots, instead of the human beings they are.  Kids today have far stricter rules than I ever had as a kid, that's for sure.  In fact, if I was this lady's kid, I likely would have ended up in the looney bin, as there would be no way I would have been able to live with her ridiculous rules.

Mental illness is no joke - and I have volumes of experience to back up that statement.  And it is heartbreaking to see it happen to family members and loved ones.

But sometimes, a relationship can be so toxic that it can take a bad situation and make it worse.   This lady is gasoline to her son's fire.  He may have mental health issues, but she exacerbates them by trying to set arbitrary rules and by shielding him from actual failure in life.   He is not experiencing life at all - with its real ups and downs, successes and failures.  He is shielded from that - but not from his Parents.  A poor sartorial choice does not result in a trip to the Principal's office, but rather a trip to a Psychiatric ward, where he is locked up for days on "suicide watch" based on an offhand comment.  "Call the Police!" she dramatically says, as they drive up to the hospital.

Can you say, attention-whore?  Posting this all on the Internet so she can be lauded as hero-Mom?  What a narcissistic bitch!  I like how she conveniently slips in her new job at the local university.   I am surprised she didn't mention what model Lexus they drive!  The entire article is an exercise in ego-stroking, making her the "hero" at the center of this story, with her young son as some sort of male devil to be dealt with, tranquilized, and institutionalized.

And let's not forget, she did all of this by invoking the name of a mentally ill young man who had just shot a number of students in Connecticut.   Sort of ugly, to say the least.

Did the Apple fall far from the tree in this family?  I think not.   Schizophrenia runs in families.  I wonder which side it came from - hers?   UPDATE:  Apparently so, according to this link.   Children learn what they are taught.

I had a friend in school who had a Control Freak Mother like that.  She monitored his every move, and constantly harped on him for doing things "wrong".  She also had a set of rules that had "triggers" like that - if you say or do such-and-such, then some horrific consequence would be brought down on you like an avalanche.

Once he left home, he struggled, as he had never really experienced failure or success - just rules and punishments under the dictatorial rule of his Mother (who went through three husbands, the same way).   He joined the Navy, and muddled through 20 years - retiring at the same rank at which he joined.

He is happier today, I think.  He is a talented guy, who likes to write songs and plays guitar in local bars.  Is he a genius?  No.  And he never was going to be one.   But that was one of the contentious issues with his uber-Mom - his grades.  And indeed, this is a real problem for a lot of parents - who cannot accept that their kids are not Einsteins and not going to Harvard.  And instead of figuring this out and figuring out how the child could succeed in other ways, they just pile on the guilt and angst for every perceived "failure" in life (and yet at the same time - failure is not permitted!).     Every report card period was another shouting match and another dose of self-loathing for my friend.  And of course, he would end up being "grounded" for another month as a result.

And that was the nature of the relationship with his Mom (his Dad, or step-Dads were usually vetoed by this harridan).   She would set arbitrary and unworkable rules that, when violated, would trigger avalanche consequences.   So for example, on a Saturday night, they gave him an 11 PM curfew.  Since he had to hitch a ride home, he often ended up being late - which would then trigger a month of being "grounded".   As a 17-year-old, he chafed at be treated like a child - which in turn lead to more "rules violations" and eventually ridiculous "groundings" that would have extended well into his 30's.

While I had my first car at 15, he wasn't allowed to register or drive a car he bought with his own money because of these continual "rules violations" which had accumulated "groundings" that were now measured in years, not weeks or months.   As he got older, his Mother got more and more paranoid about controlling him, to the point where he was on the verge of exploding.

Fortunately, he did not explode.   But it was touch and go there, for a while.  The military was probably his salvation.   At least there, the rules were clear and enforced in a uniform, non-emotional manner.

I am not sure why his Mother did this.  To be sure, she was a man-hating castrating bitch.   As I noted, she went through three husbands, taking each one to the cleaners - as a woman could do back then - and profiting handsomely from process.   Perhaps the budding pubescence of her son was a threat to her - this unbounded maleness that needed to be reined in and tightly controlled.  He needed to be figuratively castrated and kept eunuch, lest the testosterone run wild.

The lady in the article cited above mentions that her 13-year-old son (the age of puberty, if not beyond, today) is growing so large that she can barely restrain him any more (restraining a person is the utter humiliation, and something that should only be a last resort.   One of my brothers tried to do that to me when I was a kid - and I never forgave him for that.  Bear in mind that "little boys" grow up into big men, and before you use force, you should think about the possible payback, down the road).  I wonder if his pubescence is part of the problem - for her, not him.

It was not surprising that my friend struggled with life.   He was never allowed to make mistakes or deal with the consequences of his actions.   And he was a very nervous boy - convinced even as an adult, that something he would do would invoke the ire of his controlling Mother.  He would make a mistake - and she would blow it all out of proportion.

It was, a toxic relationship.

I had a relationship like this - with a mentally ill person - and got out of it on the advice of a counselor.  Dealing with mentally ill people is not easy.  And you can't "fix" them by making rules or ultimatums.  In fact, such actions would tend to just make things worse.  And often the best thing to do is not to try to micro-manage someone's life like that, but rather to let the reins go slack.

When I was 13 years old, I had a paper route and made $20 a week.  I also was smoking pot and drinking beer with my older brother and his friends.  They let me hang around with them because I had money, and knew how to hot-wire Dad's Jeep.  We were pretty wild kids, doing what we wanted to do - most of the time.  And while we got into arguments with my Dad on occasion, my parents gave up on trying to impose their will on us, over time.

And that turned out to be the best-case scenario.   You see, just as you can't force someone to succeed by prodding them with a hot iron, you can't force your kid to do well in school or behave by using ultimatums and trigger-events.   The will to do better has to come from within.  The best you can do is often just stay out of the way.

Because, in life, that is what eventually happens - children grow up, leave the nest, and have to learn to take care of themselves and fend for themselves.   That is, unless of course you want to have a "Stay at home" son who is well into his 20's.   And surprisingly, a lot of parents secretly "get off" on this - which is what I call The Parent Trap - people who keep adult children as pets, living in their basement.  It is a sick tango to dance to.

And it seems that increasingly, we are imposing more and more rules like this on our kids, and then wondering why they never show any initiative and never leave home.   In Texas, they are putting RFID chips on the student's "ID BADGES" so they can track them electronically throughout the school.  The time-honored tradition of cutting classes, it seems, is no more.

And we rationalize this on the grounds that our schools are now charnel-houses and battlefields - where people are buzzed in and out, much like a prison.   We have to tightly control the behavior of our students more and more, which in turn causes them to bottle up more anger and angst until they explode.

I can honestly say that if my school had such rules when I went to it, I likely would have ended up in jail or in a mental hospital.   One of the best things I learned from school was that the petty rules and fiefdoms were really a bunch of nonsense.   As a kid, you may live in fear of being called to the Assistant Principal's Office, but as a teen, the threat seems less dramatic.  And the day after graduation, well, you realize what sorts of losers end up as Assistant Principals or even Teachers.

Ahhh!  But that is not showing "proper respect for authority!" right?   Exactly.   You see, in America - or at least the country I grew up in - disrespect for authority was part and parcel of being a true American.  That was how our country was founded - and how it continues to operate today.  We disagree and we chafe at the yoke.   And this is a good thing.

But others disagree.  There are people on both sides of the political spectrum who believe that what we need in this country are more rules of behavior and more draconian punishments.  Like the narcissistic Mom, we set up draconian rules such as three strikes you're out, or our onerous drug laws.   And these "triggers" set off horrendous prison sentences - often longer than those for murder.  We imprison more people, as a percentage of our population, than any other country on Earth.  So much for "Land of the Free."

"The more you tighten your grip...." the less likely you are to accomplish anything.  Trying to browbeat children - or adults - into doing something often backfires in a big way.  And this is not some weird outlier, but rather a predictable event.

The human brain, as I have noted time and time again, is a Neural Network - a powerful learning machine.  If you train it properly, with positive feedback, it can accomplish much.  Train it poorly, it learns lessons you didn't want it to learn.

So, for example, when my Dad used to whip my brother with his belt, the only thing my brother (and I) learned, was to hate my Dad.   Whatever "lesson" he was trying to impart, it backfired.  All we learned was to fear and loathe him.   And when we got old enough and large enough to beat him up, well then we no longer feared him.  And I wonder if my Dad's idea of parenting wasn't in fact gasoline to the fire of my brother's mental illnesses - if not the cause of them.

All parents are amateurs - even those with multiple children.   Most only get one shot at it - maybe two or three at most.   Being born last is the best, as the parents either give up trying, or realize their efforts to micro-manage their elder siblings backfired in a big way.

The danger, as I see it, is that many parents, by dint of being parents alone, assume they are experts in the field.   After all, they've read books on the subject, and have to change little Johnny's diapers.  So they must know, right?   I think that is dangerous thinking, as you really don't know if your parenting is any good until the kids leave home and strike out on their own.  And even then, the jury may still be out.

And I guess that is what appalls me about this opinion piece in the HuffPo.  This lady just assumes that what she is doing is right, and that her son is a monster and is always wrong.   If she really feels that the child is dangerous and out of control, maybe he needs to go to a private school for kids with such problems - like a Military School.   At the very least, it would get him away from her and put him in an environment where the rules are not so strict.