Why not just cut to the chase?
Juneau – Princess Cruise lines' parent corporation Carnival cruises, along with the State government of
Alaska announced an historic agreement today, with the cruise line purchasing
the entire State for an undisclosed sum.
“There is precedent for this,” the governor explained, “Alaska has been
bought and sold before!”
Representatives for the cruise line noted that “It just make
logical sense. We’ve bought bus lines,
vacation lodges, and even entire railroads.
Why not just cut to the chase and buy the entire State?”
Alaska will now be known as “Princess Alaska” and the State
flag will be modified to include the Princess cruise lines logo. All residents of the State will now be
Princess employees and “brand ambassadors”, given Princess name badges, and
tasked with helping clueless tourists with maps and directions and restaurant
recommendations. “Since Alaskans are
already doing this, not much will change,” a Princess spokesman noted, “this
will also give the legions of homeless in Anchorage something to do.”
Residents will each be given stock in Carnival cruise lines
as payment for the purchase of the State.
Residents will receive dividend checks from the cruise lines, in lieu of
their annual dividend checks from the State Permanent Fund.
President Trump hailed the agreement as an excellent example
of how privatization can be used to replace old, outmoded, and inefficient
democratically-elected governments. Libertarian Rand Paul agreed, citing privatization as the logical
outcome of libertarian theory. Meanwhile, President Trump, emboldened by the news, has moved forward
with his plans to privatize New York and rename it “Trump/NewYork”.
However, the President indicated that the Justice Department
will block a move by Alphabet, Inc., the parent company of Google, from
purchasing and privatizing Northern California, on anti-trust grounds. "There can be too much of a good thing," the President noted via Twitter, "companies with a liberal bent privatizing? Don't think so!"
