Sunday, June 4, 2023

Eve and the Apple

Why would an Apple get you thrown out of the Garden of Eden?

I was thinking about the creation story - the Garden of Eden, how Eve was made from a rib of Adam (the source of all Judaeo-Christian-Islamic misogyny!) and the temptation of Eve by a serpent with a freaking Apple of all things!  It makes no sense!

Unless you think of it as a prophesy.

Eve was walking in the Garden one day - not a lot to do in paradise, where you never die and nothing ever happens and you have no children.  She was bored, and a serpent in a tree hissed at her. "You want to see something cool?" he said, "Check this out!"

He handed her a small rectangular device, the likes of which Eve had not seen before.  "What is it?" she asked.  "An Apple!" the serpent replied.

"Oh, no!  God warned us about these things!  Take it away!  It is evil!" Eve retorted.

"You think so?" the serpent argued, "Didn't God make all the things here in the Garden of Eden - even you and me?  If so, how could he make anything evil?  And it won't hurt you to just look at it!  Check this out, a Tick-Tock Video!"

And the serpent swiped the device with his tongue and a funny video played with dorky animated music in the background.  Eve giggled, "let me see that!  That's SO FUNNY!" she said.  And before long, she was scrolling the Apple herself, checking out things like "Twitter" and "Facebook."   But it was the camera feature she really enjoyed, particularly once she discovered "selfies."  She ran around the Garden of Eden taking selfies of herself in various locations with various animals and then posted them online.  It was such fun!   And she enjoyed looking at her own image online.  She was a hot babe!  Well, maybe the only babe at this point.  And with "filters" she could look even hotter!

She ran off to find Adam to show him her new toy, and then got an idea to make a "prank" video of him!  She called out to Adam that she had fallen and was hurt.  And when Adam came running, she put out her leg to trip him.  He fell flat on his face and Eve laughed.  She posted the video on Tick-Tock and immediately got 10,000 heavenly followers, because, you know, angels have even less to do all day long than Adam and Eve.

Of course, this was more followers than God had himself, at the time, and when he found out, he was furious.  "Didn't I tell you not to be tempted by the Apple?" he shouted.  "I hereby banish you from the Garden of Eden!  Go forth and live in pain and suffering and take you stupid iPhone with you!"

And thus, all of humanity was cursed for all time.  Humans were turned into zombies, walking and even driving while looking at their stupid Apples, and of course, running into things. They spread lies and rumors and engaged in the worst forms of narcissism. God warned us, but we failed to listen.

Now you know why Steve Jobs named his company "Apple"and why their logo is an apple with a bite taken out of it - he made a pact with Satan himself!