Thursday, July 21, 2011

New Airport Imaging Scanner to Enhace Appearance of Ugly Passengers

Previous Airport imaging scanners tended to show people in their worst light.  A revised scanner is being developed which will not only not blur out sensitive areas of the human body, but actually enhance them, thus placating self-appointed ''privacy advocates''

Washington DC - in response to complaints by the Airline Passengers Association, as well as self-appointed Privacy Advocates, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has announced today an upgrade to software for millimeter wave and scatter technology body scanners to enhance the appearance of passengers as they appear on the scanning devices.

In the past, images from such devices were anonymized, with facial features blurred out and genital areas blurred or shrunken.  Such images were viewed in a separate, darkened room, to hide the shame of passengers, whose bodies, without clothing, are hideously ugly, fat, old, or just plain ridiculous.

The TSA now recognizes that this former approach had the opposite effect of what was intended.   Passengers were even more embarrassed about their body shape and weight, as well as their personal attributes, as the shame of having their images viewed in a separate darkened room only served to highlight their negative body-image issues.

The new software corrects this problem by actually enhancing the images to show perkier and larger breasts, thinner waists and thighs, and a butt that doesn't sag so much.  Men will appreciate the "enhancements" applied via software to their genital images.  The enhanced images will no longer be viewed in a separate room, but displayed on an overhead High-Definition Television for all passengers to view and appreciate - and vote on - while waiting in line, using an app in their smartphones.

For interested passengers, the resultant images will be available in a package of 8" x 10" glossys, as well as wallet and other sizes, and a JPEG image can also be automatically e-mailed to the passenger's address, uploaded to their mobile phone, or set as their default image on their Facebook page.

While waiting in line to be screened, passengers can select from one of a number of body enhancement options for their security screening images, including such packages as the "Pamela Anderson", the "John Holmes", or the "Arnold Schwarzenegger (bodybuilder version)".

During a pilot program at the Washington Reagan International Airport (the only airport, incidentally, named for two U.S. Presidents), participants were enthusiastic.  "I always felt my butt looked big", said Anisha Wiles, "but with this new scanner image, I'm proud to show off my body.  Damn! I'm hot!"

Others were enthusiastic about the souvenir photo feature of the new invention.  "Finally, I have a decent photo to upload to all my sex site pages," said Darrel Henderson, a Congressional Aide, "Not that I do that sort of thing, of course."

TSA workers also praised the system.  "Do you know what it is like, looking at all these ugly-assed people all day long in a darkened room?" gate screening agent Tyrell Williams noted, "It wears on your nerves!  Damn! People need to lay off the buffet!  If you know what I mean.  After a shift of watching this parade of ugly, I get home and the last thing I'm thinking about is sex, let me tell you!  But with this new system, well, everyone is hot!"

TSA expects to roll out the new scanners across the country within the next month or so.  Sales from souvenir photos are expected to offset the initial cost of upgrading existing scanners or installation of the new devices and may actually generate a positive revenue stream for TSA in years to come.

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