I renounce the error of my ways! I have been shown the light by helpful commentators!
Everything, it turns out, I have posted in this blog was flat-out wrong! How could I have been taken in by Satan himself? Mea Culpa!
I have reformed! From now on, I will preach only the approved gospel from the approved financial pages:
- Buy a huge mini-mansion, finance it with a "payment optional" mortgage! You'll get more house for the money and come out ahead! It will be worth a pile of money, in only a few years!
- Lease a new luxury SUV! The monthly payments are low, and you get more car for the money! What's not to like? And you get a new car every three years! And gas mileage? That's for sissies! We need to show those Arabs who really owns that oil. If you are getting over 20 mpg, you must be a terrorist!
- Don't bother saving for retirement! Your job is secure and they have a defined-benefit pension plan. Besides, you'll get Social Security on top of that! Live for today! Spend!
- Frequent Flyer Miles Credit Cards are the way to get ahead in life! Not only will you be able to spend more, but you can get an upgrade to first class!
- Clipping coupons is a good deal - you can get free food at the store! Work those cash-back bonus plans and rebates, too! This is how Warren Buffet got his start - few people know that!
- Everything you see on Television is true - especially the commercials! You should watch as much as possible, including at work, at a restaurant - even in the elevator! You need television to tell you want is right and wrong in the world, and also so you can be informed for water-cooler chat at the office.
- Get a smart phone and text! It is a great way to stay in touch with those grandchildren. And let's face it, nothing is more important in a child's life than a texting Grandma. I don't know how I could have lived without mine! Hey, it only costs $100 a month or so. And it has a GPS! And texting sure takes the boredom out of those long commutes! Hey, look out!
- Sign up for cable! Get ALL the channels! Yes, you cannot even live without cable television - it is, after all, more important than oxygen. Get every channel - the more you watch, the smarter you get! And its only $100 a month - that's not a lot of money!
- Know your credit score! Sign up for credit protector! All the smart set does this - after all, having a high credit score is essential in life - how else will you be able to borrow more money? You can monitor your credit score on a daily basis AND get credit protector to protect you from "identity theft" for only $29.95 a month! Cheaper than Cable!
- Blame the Government! Yes, when things go bad, it has to be someone else's fault, preferably the President's! You never did anything wrong, right? All you did was follow the advice on the television and as I noted above, the television always tells the truth!
- Blame the Poor! Blame Minorities! The government is giving all your hard-earned cash to minorities and immigrants. We should set up a camp for them - you know, round them all up and put them in there and make them work! Yea!
- Blame the Rich! Those 1% people who often have funny names - they took all our money, too! Let's round up the Wall-Street Fat Cats and lock them all up too!
- Buy Gold! It can only go up in value! $5000 an ounce is just around the corner!
- Get in on the Facebook IPO! Facebook is wildly profitable and will always remain so! And it is worth more, in the long run, than Apple or GM. 100 Billion is an under-evaluation, if you ask me! IPOs always are a good investment!
- Be sure to follow all the advice of the television gurus! If the shouting guy says "buy a stock!" then buy it! His track record on stock picking is stellar! Call Suze Orman and ask if it is OK to buy a new car! She has your best interests at heart! Buy stocks touted by the guy in a clown suit! Follow Dave Ramsey's advice and give 10% of your money to an odious born-again church! And be sure to buy all their books and attend their seminars! After all, how else will you learn?
- Don't stop spending! Our economy is based on consumption, not production, and this is a sound economic theory and moreover is sustainable - indefinitely. Well, it is, if you do your part and consume, consume, consume! So long as you keep buying, the system will work. Ignore people who whisper things like '"sounds like a pyramid scheme to me!" - they just hate our freedom!
- Eat at McDonalds! In these trying, troubled times, nothing is a better value than the "dollar menu" at Mickey-D's - or a "value meal" - they are inexpensive! Just a few dollars! Just drive your SUV over there and idle it in the drive-through lane. It is a good value and very nutritious! And the kids love it! Cooking at home is time-consuming and expensive - and it takes away from your quality time with the cable TV!
I don't what I was thinking, preaching heresy! Personal responsibility? Taking the blame for your own malfeasance? That's downright un-American! Saving money? That's what the Commies in Red China do, not red-blooded citizens of the US of A! Spending less? That is what is tanking our economy! Spend more not less!
Can you imagine what our country would be like today if everyone had lived more frugally during the 2000's? Where would be today?
That indeed, is a good question.
Caution: The Sarcasm Light is ON. Doing the opposite of everything listed above is probably a better idea.