Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Your Call is Important to Us, Please Hold....

Why do companies say such insincere things?

I've been on musical hold, all afternoon, trying to change over several accounts from one Bank to another.  And boy-howdy, some folks like to make things as difficult as possible, don't they?

But they all say the same damn platitudes -and they don't mean a word of them, either.

Your call is important to us, please hold.  Oh really?  If it was so damn important, why am I on hold?  The only people who seem to really understand this is GEICO, they answer on the first ring, nearly every time.

We want to make your banking experience exceptional!  Oh yea?  It might take more than slogans.

What can I do to make your experience today exceptional?  A blowjob would be nice.  However, I suspect that ain't happening.  How about not screwing up the balance on my account?  I'll settle for that.

Our goal is to provide you with exceptional customer service when you step though the door.  Our goal is to make your banking experience an exceptional and memorable one!  You know, you just said a lot, but didn't say one Goddam thing, did you?  And here's a clue, you're missing your goal - by a lot.

How Are You Today?  Well, actually, at this point, being on musical hold for 20 minutes after talking to three people with impenetrable Indian accents, I feel like killing myself.  How are you?

(In a thick Indian Accent):  Hello, my name is Brad, how can I help you?  Well, for starters, by not pretending your name is "Brad".  Are you ashamed of your heritage or what?  We all know the deal, you are working out of a call center in Bangalore or some God-forsaken small town in the boondocks of India.  So why don't you just say your name is Harinda and we can be done with it?  Because I'd respect you a lot more then.  Otherwise, well, you are just lying to me.  And by the way, know any good Indian restaurants in Southern Georgia?  I mean, do you have any relatives here who could make me a spicy vindaloo?  That would be helping.

(Same Indian Accent:)  I will fax that to you.  You should expect to receive it in 7-10 business days.  You're kidding me.  7-10 business days to send a fax?  How long does it take to send an e-mail, a month?  What do you do, ship them down by Donkey and then put them on a boat to the US?  You have to be kidding me, right?  Right?

Maybe it would be better if these companies were just honest with us.  I would appreciate it.  For once, I would prefer it if when I called, they told me the truth.

"Welcome to Acme Bank.  You're talking to a machine designed to filter out 50% of our callers by either frustrating them to the point where they hang up, or by answering idiotic questions like 'what is my bank balance?' and 'I can't remember my first name'.  Your call is NOT all that important to us - and for that matter, neither are you.  We are putting you on musical hold for about 2-5 minutes because this costs a heck of lot less than hiring more people to answer the phone.  And think about it - you want low fees and higher interest rates, right?  Well you ain't getting that if we have to hire more telephone operators.   So just shut up and stop complaining and a customer service rep will be with you shortly.  His name is Sanjay and he lives outside of Mumbai."

At least it would be honest....