Why not just cut to the chase?
Juneau – Princess Cruise lines' parent corporation Carnival cruises, along with the State government of Alaska announced an historic agreement today, with the cruise line purchasing the entire State for an undisclosed sum. “There is precedent for this,” the governor explained, “Alaska has been bought and sold before!”
Representatives for the cruise line noted that “It just make logical sense. We’ve bought bus lines, vacation lodges, and even entire railroads. Why not just cut to the chase and buy the entire State?”
Alaska will now be known as “Princess Alaska” and the State flag will be modified to include the Princess cruise lines logo. All residents of the State will now be Princess employees and “brand ambassadors”, given Princess name badges, and tasked with helping clueless tourists with maps and directions and restaurant recommendations. “Since Alaskans are already doing this, not much will change,” a Princess spokesman noted, “this will also give the legions of homeless in Anchorage something to do.”
Residents will each be given stock in Carnival cruise lines as payment for the purchase of the State. Residents will receive dividend checks from the cruise lines, in lieu of their annual dividend checks from the State Permanent Fund.
President Trump hailed the agreement as an excellent example of how privatization can be used to replace old, outmoded, and inefficient democratically-elected governments. Libertarian Rand Paul agreed, citing privatization as the logical outcome of libertarian theory. Meanwhile, President Trump, emboldened by the news, has moved forward with his plans to privatize New York and rename it “Trump/NewYork”.
However, the President indicated that the Justice Department will block a move by Alphabet, Inc., the parent company of Google, from purchasing and privatizing Northern California, on anti-trust grounds. "There can be too much of a good thing," the President noted via Twitter, "companies with a liberal bent privatizing? Don't think so!"