Bad Things Happen to Good People

Bad things can happen in anyone's life. It isn't fair, and most of us are wholly unprepared for it.

A recent series of unfortunate events made me realize how lucky we truly are.  We are staying in a campground in Florida, and I was ready to go for a walk but I heard the sickening sound of sheet metal pounding into sheet metal, as several cars collided. I ran out to the entrance of the campground and saw five cars twisted and smashed.

Apparently, a fellow was trying to make a left turn into the campground and someone behind them tried to go around them. Meanwhile, a tow truck operator - with a car in tow - who I believe was texting, plowed into both - pushing the one fellow into the oncoming lane where it hit a car coming the other way, which then spun out of control.  The other car, trying to pass on the right, flipped twice before coming to rest.

Fortunately, no one was seriously hurt, although at least four cars were completely totaled. Thank God or NHTSA for airbags and seatbelts!  This would have been a "fatal" back in the 1960's for sure.

There were some interesting lessons to take away from this, the most important being not to text while driving. The other thing is that left turns are inherently unsafe and it's better sometimes to make three right turns rather than a left.

I found out later, that down the road there is a traffic circle, and one could simply drive another quarter mile, go around the traffic circle, and come back and make a right turn. I will certainly do that next time, as that left turn is rather scary - the rednecks around here think the 55 mph speed limit is a suggestion.

The fellow making a left turn had his wheels already turned, in anticipation of making that turn. Thus, when he was hit from behind it pushed him into the oncoming lane, further exacerbating the situation. I learned in a defensive driving course always leave your wheels straight because of this. If he had done this, then the collision would have been merely a three-car wreck. Of course, the accident was not his fault.

He was pretty shaken up, and I tried to console him and get him a place to sit and some water to drink. He was clearly in shock and his knee was banged up even though the airbags went off.   Unfortunately, he'll be dealing with insurance companies and car rentals and whatnot for weeks and months to come.

An hour later, a new neighbor shows up at the campsite next to us. He looks a little distraught and I asked him if everything is okay. It turns out he sold his house and was traveling across America by RV, as he put it, "Until the money runs out."  Sounds like an interesting project, although I think I'd rather put that money in the bank at his age as he appeared to be only about 30 or so. What really was distressing him was that he had a debit card with Bank of America and apparently that had been compromised.  I commiserated with him and told him the story of how my debit card was compromised. I also suggested to him to maybe get another card could a different bank, if he is going to travel like this, as things like this can happen and if you only have one card, and it's compromised, it's really difficult to even buy gasoline.

The good news is, there was a contest at the bar at the campground that night, and he won a $100 gift certificate so at least he won't starve this weekend.

But these are trivial setbacks in the greater scheme of things. A week ago, a friend of ours who's in the Arts Association was telling us how she had to go back home to Pennsylvania to be at a trial. Apparently her daughter, a college professor, was walking to school in a somewhat marginal neighborhood, with three young men jumped out of a car and assaulted her with baseball bats, stomped her skull and also shot her with a pellet gun several times.

She survived this ordeal, although with permanent damage including brain damage and nerve damage. She'll never be the same again, not only physically but psychologically. Due to Covid, there have been several delays in the pre-trial hearings, so every time the family goes to support her in this ordeal, they are told that the whole thing has been moved down the road another few months. Meanwhile the families of the three thugs who assaulted her show up in court and actually cheer on their delinquent offspring. The Sheriff had to usher the family members of the victim out the back entrance from the courthouse so they wouldn't be verbally assaulted by the family members of the perpetrators.

Incidents like this make you wonder about Humanity.  As I related before, I was nearly the victim of a similar assault almost 40 years ago. I was walking through the park with a friend on the way to his apartment when four young men jumped out of the car - one holding a steel pipe - intent on beating our brains out. I told my friend to run and he stood there paralyzed.  I literally had to grab him and almost carry him away. They gave chase but we outran them.  Adrenaline is an amazing thing.

We at least saw our attackers coming and could do something about it. This poor lady in Pennsylvania was jumped from behind, the ultimate cowardly attack. I fail to understand the mentality behind this sort of thing. It is the ultimate in cowardice, attacking an older woman who weighs probably a 120 pounds wet, from behind, catching her by surprise, with a advantage of at least three-to-one, plus the weapons.  Why their family members would cheer this sort of activity is beyond me as well. But there are animals in the world, animals that sometimes need to be put down.

I mentioned this in an earlier posting, the horrible things that didn't happen today. We often fail to think about this in our daily lives. We get upset that the light turned red, just as we approached it, or that we spilled our cappuccino frappuccino in our car on the way to work - or that some other minor inconvenience or frustration has caused us stress.

We fail to realize that life could be a hell of a lot worse than it is - and is a hell of a lot worse in many parts of this world. And of course, we all face inevitable death down the road, which is often messy, painful, and inconvenient.

The fellow who had his debit card compromised was having a bad day, but when put perspective about the accident that occurred earlier, his troubles seem trivial. He has to make a trip to the bank and get a substitute card, and perhaps file a police report and make sure that no fraudulent charges were made to his account. And maybe it's a good wake-up call for him to think about getting a backup credit card or debit card from another bank so that if something similar happens in the future, he has at least options.

By the way, we have two safes that we take with us. One is an electronic safe in the camper which is bolted through the floor. Another is a safe in the armrest of the truck which is bolted through to the chassis. We keep our passports in the truck so they're ready when we cross the border. We also carry back-up credit cards there and a small amount of cash. That way, even if the trailer burns to the ground, we have options.

Similarly, in the safe in the camper we have some spare cash and also back-up credit cards and debit cards should we lose our wallets or something like that.  We keep the spare key to the truck in the camper and a spare key to the camper in the truck, so we are never locked out of either one. You have to think about these things and prepare for them, particularly if you are traveling far from home.

But getting back to topic, the poor guy who totaled his car trying to make a left turn must feel that his weekend was ruined, and no doubt he will have to go through an awful lot of hassle. I advised him to get his knee x-rayed just to be sure wasn't damaged, but he insisted he didn't want to go to the hospital.  That was his call to make, but when in shock, one doesn't have the best of judgement.

Now, the next part of what I have to say might piss some people off (apparently the only thing I am capable of doing well these days).  I am NOT playing "blame the victim" but pointing out that there are things you can and should do to ameliorate risk in your life.  This is not to say that these bad things would not have happened had these steps been taken, only that the risk-factor would be less.  And of course, none of us is perfect, so we do make left turns on occasion, even when we realize they are unsafe.

As I noted, the fellow who had his debit card compromised could have had (and should have had) a backup card with another bank - and perhaps a low-interest credit card for emergencies (we have three).  If you are travelling together with your spouse, make sure that you are not both carrying the same credit card, which we used to do.  If one wallet was lost or stolen, well, both cards would have to be invalidated - leaving us with no money and no backup card, until we got back to the truck or camper.  The belt-and-suspenders approach is the best.  And it helps to think about "what if?" situations and how to handle them (projected learning) or from seeing other people lose their wallets (indirect learning) or when you lose your wallet yourself (direct learning) as happened to Mark in Taos (some friendly bikers found it and returned it - nice folks!).

Again - not blaming the victim here - the fellow who was turning left could have left his wheels straight, or could have decided not to make a left turn but instead turn around in the traffic circle and come back and turn right.  It is OK to take a little more time than to be sitting stationary in the middle of the road in a 55-mph zone where people are routinely doing 70, while texting.  Yes, "professional drivers" do this all the time - truck drives, tow truck drivers (who have two-speeds, stop and max), taxi drivers and so on.  They seem to be the worst - perhaps all that driving gives them a false sense of security or they think that only the "amateur" drivers are ever at fault.

But what about the lady who was assaulted with baseball bats?  Surely this was not her fault - and it wasn't.  But there are animals in this world - human filth who thinks nothing of taking the life of another or beating someone until they are damaged for life.  I've met more than one victim of such crimes and like I said, was almost a victim myself.  Sadly, the Police cannot catch more than one-third of such criminals, if that, and prosecutors have a hard time making convictions, particularly in this "defund the police" era where all criminals are deemed innocent or victims of society.

However, you can ameliorate risk if you are more situationally aware.  Not walking in bad neighborhoods is a start, and no, that isn't being "racist" or anything.  I recounted before a young man at the Patent Office who parked in a bad part of town (which ironically, has since been gentrified - which leftists argue is a bad thing, for some reason) and walked to work. He carried a gun, which you would think would make you safer, but some teens jumped him and shot him with his own gun.   So, carrying a gun isn't necessarily a means of ameliorating risk, unless you know how to use it.  And of course, if he did use it, you know the headlines - "white man shoots unarmed black teen!" and there would be protests.

Yes, it may cost more and it may not be politically correct, but driving to work is much safer than walking or taking public transportation.  I gave up on the public transportation in the DC area when I realized the buses were little more than garbage trucks, pickup the the worst sort of people, who would often assault the other passengers - and the bus drivers didn't want to "get involved".  Sadly, the DC Metro has devolved in recent years, as people decry that their "right" to eat a greasy sandwich on the train has been violated.

Maybe that is the best way to ameliorate risk - to eschew this "defund the police" nonsense and stop watching Netflix-made "series" that claim that some murderer is innocent or something stupid like that.  There are horrible people in the world, but many refuse to believe they exist - everyone is a victim, right?  It is like the runaway girl I tried to counsel - pointing out that 14-year-olds living on the street don't often live to be 20 - or maybe 30 at the most - as crack-whores and later on as dead prostitutes.  And no one cares when they are murdered, either.

This isn't to say we have to live in fear and paranoia, only that we should think about our lives and what we do and whether we are taking unnecessary risks and whether we can do something to lessen that risk.  It is like running stop signs - it saves you no time whatsoever, but creates the real risk of an eventual collision due to the A-pillar phenomenon.  On the other hand, if you come to a full and complete stop as required by the law, you will never get into such an accident.   Seems like a simple proposition - do one thing and not wreck your car or someone else's - why not do it, if you can?

(And it goes without saying, this applies in our financial lives as well.  Is living "paycheck-to-paycheck" something that is unavoidable, or something we just got used to?  Isn't that a risky way to live?)

I have met victims of auto accidents and also random assaults, whose lives were changed forever, and not for the better.  People who have gone from brilliant students or professionals, to basically a level of retardation due to brain injury.  Their very personalities were changed.  When someone bashes your skull in, it literally is an assault on you, on your personality, your intellect.  It is very sad - and it makes one angry that people do these sorts of things for no reason whatsoever, except perhaps prejudice and hate.  And oddly enough, we rarely hear about these things, outside of the hometowns they occur in.

In a nation of 330 million people, the small private tragedies of one or two are not even on the radar.  40,000 people or so are killed every year in car accidents - far more are maimed and injured.  Yet you rarely hear about this in the paper, unless it is some horrendous multi-car pileup.  The accident we witnessed on Thursday was all cleaned up and everything towed away within an hour or so.  The State Police accident investigators were on the scene in no time, and marked the position of all the cars with surveying equipment (they've done this before, many, many times).   But of course, even though people were injured, we can't let the road be blocked for long.  People have to go places!  At 15 mph over the speed limit, while texting, of course.

Unsolicited Calls to Buy Your Home?

With the real estate market in full-bubble mode, people are resorting to all sorts of tricks to make money on houses.  Some of these tricks are kind of old, though...

I get at least one phone call a day asking if I want to sell "my property."  Some are as vague as that, such as the perky voicemail I got from "Kim" asking if I wanted to sell "my property."  Her number was listed as "private" and I suspect "Kim" is a recording - very well acted, by the way, with pauses and "ums" and whatnot to make it seem almost real.  She left a local number (in Virginia, that is) and I called it back.  At least the number wasn't obviously pasted into the recording as in the last call I got.

When I called back, it went right to voicemail.  There's "Kim" again, asking me to leave a number so she can get an offer to me right away on "my property" - but to be sure it is the right one, could I please tell her the address again?

In other words, this is a robo-call, fishing for leads.  And yes, it is a violation of the do-not-call act, which is why they try to make it seem all folksy and like some individual is calling, and not some faceless organization.

So.... what's the scam here?  Well, "Kim" doesn't exist.  The company making these calls - by the millions - are hoping that one in a million will bite on this and they will sell this "lead" to some sucker who went to a "buy and flip homes!" seminar.  They in turn will make a low-ball offer to the homeowner, who may be ignorant enough and desperate enough to take the offer.  As you might guess, the poor fall for this gag more than most.  Kind of a shame, really.

I have not investigated further, although some of the numbers I have called back clearly went to an Indian call center.  Others were call-center callers calling me, with thick accents asking me if I wanted to sell "My Property."   Mark cleverly responded, "which property is that?  I own several!" and the caller said, in a mumbled voice, "1313 Mockingbird Lane" or something to that extent.

Is this a scam?  Do you even need to ask that question?  They are using fake names, blocked or spoofed Caller ID, and then violating the Do Not Call Act.  That's three lies in the first five seconds of the phone call.  Lie number four is that they are interested in buying your property (I am not sure a worker at a call center in India really can afford to buy any property in the US) when in fact, they are just fishing for leads.

Any business deal you get into predicated on a lie, no matter how trivial, will only go downhill from there.  A famous man once said that.  And here they are lying four times before you even get "the offer" for "your property."   You are going to get screwed, plain and simple, if you do business with such folks.

Note:  This link claims that these calls are "not illegal" and technically that is correct.  The penalty for violating the Do Not Call Registry is that you the recipient of such calls, can sue them and collect damages, provided you can locate them in the United States and they have attachable assets.  A fine distinction on "illegality" but technically correct.

This is not to say that any offer on your house is a scam.  No sirree!  But a real person calling you up and talking to you (and not in a thick Indian accent, with the sounds of a call center in the background) and talking to you person-to-person may be legit - but likely will be lowball.  We sold our house in Alexandria to a developer who bought the entire neighborhood by cold-calling and offering far over market value for the properties.  You kind of have to do that if you want to buy 20 houses on the same street all at once.

In this hot market, many folks have resorted to cold-calling - or writing - to see if anyone is interested in selling.  A friend of ours sent out a letter asking people if they wanted to sell or knew anyone who wanted to sell.  Another friend was checking the obituaries to see if anyone might be looking to sell after a loved one or parent died.  Sounds gruesome, but in a tight market, sometimes that is how far you have to go.

And sometimes, this word-of-mouth technique works.  We heard of a friend who wanted to move to a retirement community, and we put him in touch with our other friends who were cold-calling.  They put together a deal and it went through, which is hard to do with a FISBO sale.

But these are the things telling me we are in a bubble - everyone wants to buy, no one is selling.  People are doing FISBO sales to avoid staggering real estate agency fees.   Folks are looking to buy-and-flip houses because prices are rising so quickly.  Everyone is hoping to make a quick buck, but few will do so.

I say this after living through the bubble of 1989 and the bubble of 2008.  Same shit, different decade, only each time this washing machine of greed wobbles out of control, it seems to do more damage than the time before.  This time could be worse than before, particularly if interest rates go up (which they will, eventually) and if people are still foolish enough to take out adjustable-rate mortgages in an era of record-low mortgage rates.

Seasonal Tea Towels

The poor spend more on holiday decorations than the rich.

A friend of mine like to go to garage sales and then give away what they bought.  So I get all these tea towels, which we use in the kitchen in place of paper towels (for many uses - we still have paper towels around for certain things).  It is nice she gives us these, but it is funny how many of them are seasonal - Christmas, Easter, Halloween, even Valentine's Day.

If you shop in the poorer quarters where the ragged people go - like Walmart and the Dollar Tree - you will see a lot of these seasonal items.  I am not talking about decorations - although the poor go nuts over those as well - but things like a soap dispenser shaped like a snowman, or a complete set of bath towels with a Christmas theme.  Do people really live like that?  Changing out their linens depending on the holiday?  Apparently so, and it seems to me to be an enormous squandering of money and energy.

But then again, I guess that is all they have.  You may live in a hovel or a bad neighborhood, but if your bathroom is decorated to the nines with holiday gear - even a Santa toilet seat cover! - you have something that is nice in your life.   In fact, I guess the poorer you are, the greater the desire for such things.  The rich man can look out his window overlooking his pool and view of the ocean, and see his yacht tied up at the dock.  He doesn't need seasonal tea towels.

You could say I'm "no fun" and a Grinch about Holidays.  Go ahead.  But I fail to see the value in owning something, other than a decoration, that is useful for only a few weeks of the year.  I mean, my sheets and towels should be for year-round use (well, the flannel are better for winter, I'll give you that).  But limiting the usefulness of an ordinary object to just a holiday?  It would be like owning a car that you just keep for Halloween.  Oh wait.  It's a thing, apparently.

Of course, being stingy, I use the seasonal tea towels all year long, although they turn a few heads from some houseguests.  "Does that say, 'Happy Halloween' on it?" they ask, and I have to explain our friend's compulsion about tea towels.   I suspect these end up in garage sales as they are given as gifts, and most people don't see tea towels as a seasonal decoration - so off to the tag sale they go.

I'm not saying seasonal tea towels are a one-way ticket to the poorhouse, only that these sort of seasonal items seem to be popular with the poor - the people who can least afford them.   Every week, it seems Dollar Tree has a "seasonal" accessory collection including a plethora of stuff you can buy for a buck to decorate your house for Ramadan or whatever.  Walmart has even more stuff - at even higher prices.  And the poor buys this stuff, because they see it on the shelves and assume that's what you're supposed to do.   It is like how the poorest kids in school had the most wicked Halloween costumes.  Mom would be up for hours, sewing, after dropping serious bucks at Jo-Anne fabrics.

Maybe there is a connection, maybe not.  Like I said, perhaps the poor do this sort of stuff to enliven their drab lives.  They give up on the idea of wealth in the future, in exchange for the appearance of it, today.  That's why things like rent-to-own furniture and buy-here-pay-here used cars and the rent-to-own bling-rim store fester in poor neighborhoods.   People settle for the appearance of wealth, often paying two to three times as much for these gaudy things as a wealthier person would (if they even bought such things).

You can't unpoor the poor, I'm afraid.  But increasingly, I see the middle-class doing this nonsense - leasing cars so they can pretend they can afford a Mercedes, when they probably should be driving a Toyota.  We all want to act wealthy and appear wealthy - it is an urge as old as the hills.  It only is a problem when we forgo real wealth for this ersatz substitute.

Life's Awkward Moments - Life is All Awkward Moments!

From the day you are born until the day you die, life is one awkward moment after another.

Many folks despair that their lives are not "perfect" like other people's.   We all worship the superstars in the world, who seem to live ideal lives.  The popular kids in High School, all wore the right clothes and said the right things.  The star of the football team, who threw a 100-yard pass to make a touchdown and win the State Championship. In college, it is the same thing - the frat boys who inexplicably can afford brand-new cars, or the popular Sorority girls in their designer duds.  At work, it is the superstar young hot-shot, on his way to the top.  Or in world of entertainment, the rock star who goes from one platinum record to the next.  Or the politician who never seems to lose an election.  From outside looking in, their lives seem perfect.

It may seem that way, but it usually isn't.  And in fact, people torture themselves because their lives don't live up to this impossible standard.

As I noted in an early posting:

We are taught from birth that our lives have a story arc: get good grades in high school, ace the SATS, get into a good school, graduate with good grades, get a good job, build a career, get married, have children, retire, play golf in Florida, then die.

Well, that "story arc" model of life is bullshit, let me tell you. Few of us actually live that way. But the story is still told, and the underlying message of it is this: If you fuck up, even once, it's all over for you, buddy! You'll be a "loser" for the rest of your life!

The reality for most all of us is just the opposite - one awkward moment after another, until the final awkward moment, death.  Think about it, how awkward is child birth?  There's your mom, strapped into the stirrups in the maternity ward, everyone staring at her private parts, waiting for you to arrive, which happens with a lot of screaming and commotion - and an awful lot of mess, to say the least.  And there you are - welcome to the world - covered with blood and amniotic fluid, red as a beet and screaming your lungs out.  Hello there, Mom!

It doesn't get much better from there.  Pooping your pamper, and maybe later on wetting your pants - or the bed.  Saying the weird awkward things that little kids say at the very wrong moments.   The silly stuff you do as a grade-schooler - that burns in your memory as an awkward moment.

Mark remembers vividly when he was just a grade-schooler, his parents ran a rest home in Westchester in an old mansion his Dad bought for cheap after the war.  The ladies there were incontinent and they gave them Stay-Free Maxipads, as I guess the "adult diaper" was still a decade away.   During a dinner party, Mark donned the empty wholesale-size box of Stay-free and then came down the stairs to the dining room, announcing, in a loud voice, "Stay-Free Maxipads!  The thin-sized feminine protection!"

Of course, his Mother turned bright red, but the rest of the guests laughed.  Kids do the darnedest things!

It doesn't get much better from there.  There is that awkward teenage phase, basically seven years of continuous awkwardness.  That awkward moment when you ask a girl out on your first date - and that awkward first kiss.

And then there is sex - nothing but awkwardness.  There is an old saying that if you are not embarrassed after having sex, you didn't do it right.

The rest of your life is one awkward moment after another.  You say the wrong thing at work, or a cocktail party.  Back in the day, you just embarrassed yourself.  Today, thanks to Social Media, you can end up losing your job or career over one awkward moment.  Your worst moment in life now defines you.   But life still goes on.

Until it doesn't.  Yes, death, the ultimate awkward moment - as messy and painful as childbirth.  As Woody Allen once said (during his pre-molestation years) "I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens!"

Yet we find these awkward moments to be funny - when they happen to someone else.  Maybe because we recognize in the plight of others, our own weaknesses.  We even find death to be funny - in a dark way.  Our neighbor died mowing his lawn.  His wife thought he was taking a long time to finish the yard, and when she went out to check on him, there he was, laid out behind the mower, stone cold dead.  He died doing what he loved.   That's not funny - but it would make a good gag for a Cohen brothers movie.

So what's the point of all of this?  Not to waste your time an energy regretting these awkward moments and not to condemn others for not being perfect.   The "Superstars" we admire in this world make one mistake after another, yet we remember them for their successes, not their failures.   Abraham Lincoln, Frank Lloyd Wright - even George Washington - all fucked the pooch on occasion.  The best batters in major league baseball never broke .400 - missing the ball more than half the time they were at bat.

Life is not an optimized event™ - Human beings operate at an efficiency level in the low single-digits, from that I can fathom.  We waste most of our day taking care of our bodies or just screwing around doing bullshit.  Expecting perfection or efficiency in life is an unrealistic expectation.  And yet....

Yet most of us spend countless hours worrying about some awkward moment from the third grade.  Well, I guess people with a conscience do, anyway.  Maybe the sociopaths just don't give a damn.  So in a way, if you are troubled by the awkward events in your life, congratulations, you are a decent human being.

Now just stop worrying about them and move on!

The Influencers In Your Life

We are all influenced by other people in one way or another.  Very little of what we think up are original ideas.

A friend of mine recently decided to sell her house.  She had the deal all lined up and mentioned on a phone call to her daughter that she was going to sell the house and the daughter went ballistic.  "Mom, you can't sell that house!  We have so many vacation memories!  And the price you are selling it for?  You're giving it away!"  And so on and so forth.  So Mom decided to take the house off the market - for now - and miss out on a 2008-like Real-Estate bubble which may burst any day now.

Why did the daughter scotch the sale?  Why did Mom listen to her?  Hard to tell, but I suspect the daughter maybe had ideas - perhaps even subconscious ideas - that someday that house would be hers, tax-free and paid-for, and she would retire to it - and here is Mom, being all greedy and whatnot, complaining about the cost and upkeep and spoiling all the fun.  Worse yet, Mom is talking about moving close to daughter so they can visit more often!

Almost across the street, the same scenario is playing out, with a different result.  Here, Mom is pushing 90 and has three homes to maintain, which is not unheard of where I live.  They got the tax bill for the home here - since they are not residents, they get socked with the full amount - and the house "needs work".   Daughter says, "Mom, sell the home!  My husband and I built an in-law suite for you, and you can move in there for free and do what you want, and not have to worry about houses and taxes and whatnot!"   But in an interesting reversal, it is Mom who wants to keep a house she hasn't been in for over two years and refuses to sell.

I feel bad for her, as at her age, things can go South in a real hurry, as we have seen often here on Old People Island.  Better to sell "too soon" than "too late" in my opinion.  Leaving on your own terms is far better than having someone else clean up after you, once they've hauled you off to the rest home when you are found living in your own filth.

I know other folks who live near or with their parents, well into their 60's and beyond.  Several people have moved here and had siblings move here near them.  I think my own brother-in-law would do it, if he could swing the dollars (and he could, if he really wanted to).  I'm not sure we'd be hanging out all the time together - I'm not that kind of person.   Others, well, they've been "best friends" with Mom and Dad or siblings, since they could walk. Some are even in business together.  And yes, I am more than a little jealous.  My family was a race-to-the-bottom, where everyone got what they could get out of the deal, and we all rode Dad like a government mule.

Part of the problem for families like mine is that you don't have this peer-to-peer relationship with your siblings and elders.  Many parents see children as possessions (particularly in some cultures) and no matter how successful or wealthy you become, they still view you as the kid in diapers, pooping his pants, who will "never amount to anything" and thus what you have to say is of no consequence (until, that is, they want you to fix their computer or smart phone).  Older siblings are similarly problematic in some families - they view themselves as older and wiser than you, and since they will always be older, well that's a game you will never win, until they die, that is.

Yet, some people cow-tow to family arrangements like this - again, particularly in some cultures. Arranged marriages, career choices, where to live, who to live with, and so on and so forth, are all dictated by the parents from the get-go.  Woe be to the child who "does their own thing" - their choice of spouse and career will bet the constant subject of criticism.  Even in America, some children feel "obligated" to do what their parents said to do in life - even when they are well into their 30's and 40's and beyond.

As I have noted before, I know people in their 70's here on Old People Island who live in terror of their parents who are in their 90's.  It seems so unfair to me - these are people whose day in the sun won't happen until they are nearly dead themselves.  In some instance, this never happens, as the stress of appeasing parents who are never happy with them, sends them to an early grave.

This got me to thinking - always a dangerous pastime - about how we influence others and are influenced by others.  One reason I don't give advice is that an offhand comment you might make one day is taken by others as some sort of mantra.  They spend years following this "advice" you never gave, and if it doesn't work out, they blame you.   It is a scary thought, if you think about it.  You say something to someone and they jump off a bridge as a result.   Is this your fault?  Maybe it is better to keep one's mouth shut!  Oh, wait, 4,552 posts. Sorry!  Please don't jump off any bridges - figuratively or literally.

Even if we don't follow an "influencer" on YouTube - who is blatantly hawking products - we tend to be influenced by the opinions of others such as family members, friends, people we meet, and even strangers.  What's more, we seem to seek out such advice or cultural norms or normative cues in everyday life and with major life decisions.  The YouTube influencer exists not because "Corporate America" is ramming them down our throats, but because people willingly follow such folks online and relish in the products and services advertised.   Some people seem almost ecstatic to be "influenced" - as if being lead into the slaughterhouse was some sort of special treat.

The answer isn't, of course, to ignore normative cues or intentionally set out to defy them - that makes even less sense.   But I think if we can recognize when we are being influenced, either on a personal level or a commercial one, we can understand our actions and thoughts more clearly.   Are we buying the lumbering SUV because we really want one, or because our neighbor has one?   Are we hopelessly in debt because we want to be, or because we heard a neighbor admit "I'll never pay off my mortgage!" and assumed this was a norm in life (and sadly, I fell for that one, at one time - told to me by a mortgage broker, no less!).

As for the two ladies who want to sell/not sell their houses, I am not sure how to handle such a situation.   What is interesting to me is not that these adult women want to make a decision about their properties and possessions, but that their daughters felt they needed to push the issue.   While we all might want to "help out" Mom and Dad, they are indeed adults, and if they want to make poor choices (in every sense of the word) who are we to tell them otherwise?  And like any advice given, there is the downside that it may all go horribly wrong - or that the parent may claim so.  "You made me sell my house!" one will cry, while the other will say, "If only I had sold my house before the market collapsed!  Now I'm trapped here!  It's all your fault!"

Being an influencer - even on a personal level - is a path fraught with peril!