Tuesday, September 8, 2020

BREAKING: Justice Dep't Discovers Source of Antifa Funding!

Mysterious organization is funding antifa demonstrators!

Washington DC - the Justice Department today announced they've discovered the source of funding for the various antifa demonstrations. A mysterious organization known as the "RNC" has been issuing checks to the demonstrators and rioters as well as providing transportation and lodging.

No one seems to know what this is "RNC" organization comprises or where it's located. Attorney general Bill Barr said they tried to Google it and everything but couldn't find out anything else about it.  "There's just no way to track them down," he said, and thus ordered the investigation shuttered immediately and all records relating to it, destroyed..

We talked with a young couple who were Antifa demonstrators receiving payments from this mysterious "RNC" organization. One of them, a young man in his mid-20's, uses the Nom De Guerre of "Ketchup", while his significant other went by the name of "Rainbow."  They asked that their real identities be withheld so their parents won't ground them.

Ketchup noted he received several checks from this mysterious RNC organization but didn't know what RNC stood for or where the money was coming from. "I thought it stood for Radicals Needing Cash," he said, "I didn't ask too many questions."

This RNC organization supposedly also provided air travel via private jet for the demonstrators. "They told us the jet belong to some brothers," Rainbow said, "and we presume that meant some wealthy rap artists."  She added, "I think their name was Coke or Cock or something like that."

"They were real nice," Ketchup added, "They put us up at the Omni and provided a limousine to take us to the riots - I mean, protests!".

"This nice man named Roger-something really helped us out." Rainbow interjected, "Funny looking little guy with a bowler hat and had some weird goggle-like glasses."

"He scored some weed for us and gave Ketchup a naked massage," she added, "Although I wasn't quite comfortable with the latter."

Apparently various RNC members have gathered their used wine bottles for the antifa demonstrators to make Molotov cocktails with, as part of a recycling program.  "That was real nice of them," said Ketchup, "as we like to reduce our carbon footprint.   But I learned the hard way you can't use the ones that say Dom Perignon on them because they're too thick and you want to the glass to bust on some policeman's head."

When asked whether they would get further funding, Ketchup noted that the Roger character said they had more money than they could possibly spend. "But for some reason," Rainbow added, "they said they couldn't fund us past November 3rd - but I don't know why."

Stay tuned for further developments!