Tuesday, March 23, 2021

Thoughts and Prayers Hotline

NOTE: I started writing this weeks ago and then put it away, thinking (correctly) that no matter when I posted it, it would be "timely" as there is always a mass-shooting in America.  Seven in the last seven days, in fact.

"Thoughts and Prayers Hotline, how can I help you?"

After every school shooting or other disaster - or the Capitol riot - Republicans line up behind the microphone to offer "thoughts and prayers" and not much else.  It got me thinking as to where all these thoughts and prayers end up?  Does heaven have a phone bank set up to handle them?  And if so, how would it work?  Maybe something like this...

"Thoughts and Prayers Hotline!  How can I help you?"

"Uh, hi.  I'm a Republican member of Congress, and there has been another mass-shooting, and I feel I should do something, but I don't really want to..."

"No problem sir!  This is what the Thoughts and Prayers Hotline is all about!  We'll accept your thoughts and prayers for the victims of the shooting, and you're off the hook!"

"It is as simple as that?  Don't I need to, well, actually do something?  I mean, I am a legislator!"

"Well, sir, we can upgrade your Thoughts and Prayers to one of our premier packages.  This includes a tearful visit to the scene of the massacre, and a bouquet of flowers and a teddy bear to place at the makeshift memorial.  The teddy-bear is pre-mildewed, so it fits right in!"

"Say, that sounds good - a photo-op!  But I'm a little troubled - some of my constituents might think I am be being soft of on gun rights or something."

"No problem, sir!  Just be sure to say your thoughts and prayers are not only for the victims, but also the shooter and his family, who 'must be going through a hard time'.   You know the drill - 'good people on both sides' and all - or 'he was having a bad day.'"

"Say, that's not bad!  You guys are good at this!"

"Well, after all sir, 50% of the voting Republicans are potential mass-shooters.  We understand how this works.   You do want to be re-elected and all that, right?"

"Of course I do.  And I can't afford to piss off the NRA or Infowars at this point.   You guys really have this wrapped up!  But I wonder, is this all on the up-and-up with Jesus and the Big Guy?  I mean, murder and all - the ten commandments...."

"Sir, I think you are a little mistaken as to which office you've contacted.   You don't remember selling your soul to us a few years back on the eve of your first election?  Oh, right, we did a memory-wipe back then.  Well, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you - you will have to rot in hell for all eternity.  It's part of the deal.  But there is good news, though!"

"Good News?  What could possibly be good news about this?"

"Well, all your Republican colleagues will be sending you their Thoughts and Prayers when your time comes!"

* * *

The Thoughts and Prayers Hotline:  Make it sound like you are doing something, when you are doing nothing at all!

NOTE: it appears that this latest shooting is like so many of the others, a crazy person with access to guns. Why is there no sanity check before a Firearms permit is issued? Oh, right, because half the people wouldn't qualify.