Thursday, October 20, 2011

MAN-AWAY(tm) Spray

If you own a gift shop, you can increase your sales dramatically by using MAN-AWAY(tm) Spray.

If you own or operate a gift store, candle shop, greeting card store, or the like, you are probably already aware of MAN-AWAY(tm) and how to use it.  But most of the general public remains ignorant of this fantastic marketing product and how it can be effectively used to double your sales!  MAN-AWAY(tm) is a commercially available scent that gift shops use to draw in women, while simultaneously repelling their spouses.

How does it work?

Well, you can witness the effects of MAN-AWAY(tm) every time you visit a shopping district in a vacation area.  A husband and wife are about to enter a gift store - Bertie's Candle & Card, for example - and as they reach the threshold, the effects of MAN-AWAY(tm) Spray take hold.  The husband's nostril's flare and he says "Gee honey, why don't you go in, and I'll stay outside here for a bit?"  The wife replies, "Oooh! What's that wonderful smell?  Potpourri?"

And so the husband trundles off to the "Husband's Bench" conveniently placed outside the store, to sit and grouse with the other husbands about President Obama, swap quotes from Rush Limbaugh to each other, and of course, bitch and moan about "all that crap" their wives are buying.  An hour later, the wife emerges with an armload of goods and their credit card balance increased by at least a hundred dollars.

Installing a Husband's Bench, incidentally, is key to the proper use of MAN-AWAY(tm) Spray in your store.  Without the bench, husbands might be tempted to barge in anyway, if nothing else to grab their wive's arms and pull them out - just as the wives were about to make a strategic purchase of souvenir spoons or thimbles!  So be sure that a Husband's Bench is part of your overall marketing plan!

What exactly is in MAN-AWAY(tm)?  We can't tell you exactly.   It is a proprietary mixture of scents and pheromones which have been laboratory-tested on heterosexual men, and in nearly every instance, drives them away in droves.  A simple automated spray dispenser, located near the entrance to your store, will keep the MAN-AWAY(tm) scent pungent and airborne.  In keeping away men, it is like a force field or invisible barrier.  They just can't cross it!

The key to running a gift shop or other enterprise that sells worthless tchotchke, is to keep the men at bay.  Husbands are buzz-kill to recreational shoppers, often offering up their sarcastic and uninvited opinions about what an overpriced piece of junk the wife is about to buy.   As our company slogan says, "Keep the Husbands at Bay - with MAN-AWAY(tm)!  And watch your sales soar!"

Of course, one problem with MAN-AWAY(tm) is that many Gay men are immune to it.  And they can equally be death to your retail business - as they come in and make withering sarcastic remarks about the crapola you sell.  Many a time, a woman shopper with an armload of garbage to buy has had second thoughts after hearing "Oooh PLEASE!  You're really going to buy that?" one time too many.  One solution is to make sure your store has a section of kitschy retro crap to keep the Gays busy, so they won't "diss" the rest of your merchandise.

Of course, many men are serial shoppers, too, which is one reason many auto parts stores, sporting goods stores, and gun shops are starting to use CHIX-BLOX(tm) to keep the wives away.   Wives will interfere in the sale of a deer stand, dual muffler system, or rifle scope, by reminding men about the more important expenses in their lives, such as mortgage payments.  CHIX-BLOX(tm) contains a soothing sent of gun oil and deer urine, it acts as an attractant to men and actually repulses women.  Many wives have in fact have been known to throw up when exposed to it.

Remember, the secret to successful retailing is to get people to buy crap they really have no need or use for.  So be sure to use MAN-AWAY(tm) and CHIX-BLOX(tm) at your retail establishment!  Your sales will double - guaranteed - or your money back!