Sunday, September 12, 2010

Do you need or want a Penis Boat?

A Penis Boat is a loud, long boat, shaped like a, well, a penis.  It is designed to enhance the manhood of the owner, but rarely works as advertised.

Do you need or want a Penis Boat?  Consider it carefully, because these are the jet skis of boats, only unlike jet skis, can be very, very expensive.

And when I say that a Penis Boat is the jet skis of boats, that is not a compliment, believe me.  Both types of watercraft appeal to the same idiot demographic - not to boaters.

What is a Penis Boat?  They are defined by a number of criteria:

1.  They are long and penis-shaped, usually with a very long covered bow section.

2.  They have one or more V-8 engines with straight exhausts through the hull and are very, very loud.

3.  They have loud graphics schemes or colors, and usually a name in 2-foot high letters across the side.  The name should be something tough-sounding like "The Eliminator"

4.  They have relatively small cockpits for their length, usually upholstered in gaudy colors.  Below decks is a cramped cabin, usually decked out like a custom van from the 1970's.

Penis boats come in a number of sizes - from simple single-engine 28 footers all the way to triple engine 50-footers and beyond.

They are nearly always bought by young men - age 30-40, usually white and usually working class.

Why are these a bad buy?  Well, for starters, they are a status item, plain and simple, designed to enhance the owners appearance of wealth, as well as masculinity.  And usually they fail on both counts.

From a practical standpoint, they are barely boats.  You cannot fish from one.  You cannot camp on on.  You cannot water ski behind one.  In short they are useless as boats.  The only thing you can do with them is go very fast for short distances and make an awful lot of noise.  And for most owners, this gets old really fast, unless they are particularly stupid.

They are the "look at me!" boat, which is why they are loud and have loud colors.  The owners want attention, plain and simple.

Since they appeal to a narrow age demographic, they change hands a lot.  Younger men are the target audience, but usually the buyer has to be about 30 before his income is sufficient to afford one.  By age 40, most people sell them, as family obligations trump useless and expensive toys.

Since the engines are run at full power most of the time, they tend to need a lot of expensive work - a lot.  They blow up engines and outdrives with regularity, and thus can be staggeringly expensive to own.  And like the "hopped up" car, a lot of the hardware is trickle down pieces from racing boats, which can be prohibitively expensive to buy.

The typical owner of one of these boats buys it on time, thinking they "can afford it" because they can afford the monthly payments.  What they don't understand is the overall cost of ownership is staggering - such boats can cost $100,000 or more - sometimes much more.  Some owners spend more on their boats than they do on appreciating assets, such as their houses.

One problem with this type of boat is that as it ages, it gets a little hoary looking and outdated.  When new, it might "impress" people who are as stupid as you are, but when it is 4-5 years old, it is just another old boat, and an old boat is far less impressive.  So the owner spends a pile of dough on his penis boat for "status" and finds the status fleeting at best.

And of course, most people are not impressed with such boats.  Any idiot can sign loan papers.  And loud obnoxious boats only annoy most folks.  Rather than saying "Gee, he's cool!  He has a cool boat!" most people say, "Who's the jerk-ass in the Penis Boat?"

There are, of course, fast boats out there that are useful at the same time.  Many center console fishing boats are fast, but also functional.  But the penis-boat buyer isn't interested in traditional boats.

Because the underlying reason these men buy penis boats is to, well, overcompensate.  They think that buying a Penis Boat and towing it with a Hummer, everyone will think they are "manly men".

But reality, we all know they are doing it to overcompensate for their small dick.