Thursday, December 9, 2010

How Come You Never Call? (The Needy Friend)

 If a friend says, "how come you never call?" chances are, they really aren't a friend.

A variation of the Friend With the Perpetual Problem is the Needy Friend.  I touched on this subject in my Emotional Vampires posting.  Needy Friends can be hard to deal with, as their behavior tends to push people away, and yet at the same time, they need friends.  It is a form of self-destructive behavior.  Their clinginess tends to alienate people, and yet they need people desperately.

Needing people desperately is never a good plan.  Learn to live without, as people can be a whole boatload of trouble and misery.  You are better off with a few good friends than a panoply of hangers-on and acquaintances.  Actually, all you need is one good friend.

An example of the Needy Friend is someone, who, when you call or visit, says "How come you haven't called (or visited) before?"  Now bear in mind that you may have seen them only last week, so it is hardly a case of your neglecting the friend.  But in their mind, if you do not contact them on a daily basis, something is "wrong" and perhaps you are mad at them or something.

Of course, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy after a while, as this constant haranguing and badgering tends to piss you off, and suddenly you are mad at them and don't want to call or visit them.  Because you know if you do, the first thing will be that you are harangued with "why are you such a stranger?  I haven't seen you in a while!  How come you never call?"

And the answer to all these questions is, "Because you say shit like that whenever I call, which is unpleasant, so I tend to not want to call or talk to you anymore".

And oftentimes, this is distressing to you, as the person in question is a good friend, otherwise, and someone you want to hang out with, just not every single freaking day.  And since they push you away with this behavior, you end up wanting to see them less and less.

If you are the Needy Friend, do yourself a favor and NEVER say shit like that, or you will end up a lonely, needy friend.  It just makes people uncomfortable, and no, IT ISN'T FUNNY.

Real friendship is based not on a need for daily contact, but something more than that.  Trying to force people into a mode that they are not comfortable with is not going to draw them nearer, just push them away.  And I've seen this happen to friends of mine, who systematically drive away all their friends with the "Why don't you call me more often?" line, until they are completely without friends and lonely.

If you are needy, then this should be the last thing you want to do, right?

If you find yourself with such a needy friend, I don't know what advice to give, as no matter what you say to the needy friend, they will take it the wrong way.

And this ends up being distressing, because someone you like is making you uncomfortable, and you can't talk to them about it without pissing them off.  So you see the friendship breaking up, over nothing at all, other than your needy friend's need to be needy.

Friendship should be an organic, natural thing, not something filled with strife, stress, and apprehension.  Perhaps when the needy friend pushes you away, it is a blessing in disguise.  After all, if they are making you anxious with all this "How come you never call?" crap, what is the point of being their friend?

There are 330 Million people in this country, so don't worry, you'll find plenty of friends out there.

And all you need is really one good friend.....