Saturday, January 22, 2011

Why I Hate Old People

Hey Kids!  Here's Your Social Security Plan!

Living here on retirement island, one begins to understand why young people tend to put their parents in a "home" and then leave them there and never visit.  Old people suck, really.

Oh, sure, your grandma is a sweet lady, and visiting her for an hour or so every month is kinda nice.

But geeze, Louise, these people are difficult to live with!

The Eskimos had the right idea.  When they got too old to hunt and were a burden to their families, they went out on an ice floe and drifted out to sea, to die, so they wouldn't be a burden to their kids - who were trying to survive in a barren land.

Today?  "Where's my Social Security dammit?"  Oldsters are set to suck the life right out of our country by virtue of their sheer numbers.  By the time I'm at the head of the line to collect on that Social Security Booty, the well will be bone dry!  And then it will be the "go fuck yourself" retirement plan.

But that's not the worst of it!  To begin with, they trivialize or run down whatever younger people are doing.  Why do I know this?  Because I'm already doing it!   And I'm "only" 50 years old.   Yea, what 20-somethings like to do these days (deface their bodies, deface clapped-out economy cars) seems a mystery to me, so it must be bad, right?  Shit, I did the same sort of thing back then.

Now take that and amplify it by an exponential curve, and you've got old people.  Nothing in the world is right, in their eyes.  Heck we've got a Negro President!  The world is going to hell, I tells ya!

And EVIL?  Let me tell you!  All they can do is talk trash about each other - behind each others backs!  It's like High School, only worse, because they've had 60 years of experience in back-biting and gossip.  All they can think of is how to get even with each other or vote each other out of the Parcheesi club - as though everyone is desperate to join or something.

Worse yet, they all think we're all idiots.  You could be a brain surgeon and they're a high-school dropout, but by virtue of their advanced age and "experience" they all think they know more than you do.

Oh, but by the way, can you help them with their computer?  They clicked on some link, and now have this pesky virus.  They know better than you, of course, but when it comes to daily living, they are as helpless as a weak kitten.

Old people suck!  They're ugly and they smell funny, particularly the women.  Oh God, women do not age well, and unfortunately, they outlive the men by 2:1.  Men age like fine wine, women age like milk.  An old folks home is a sea of ugly.  Ouch!

Sorry, but I don't hang with the walker set, just yet.

And every time I meet one, it is the same old shit:
"You're too young to be living here!"
 "I have children your age!" (really, why don't they visit?)
"Why are you living here?"
"You CAN'T live here!"
Here's a clue.  I bought a house. I pay my taxes.  I can live anywhere I want.  Go fuck yourself.

Perhaps my relative (and I mean relative) youth scares them, as it reminds them of their own mortality.

THE REALLY SCARY THING is that this is just a preview of my own future.  Yes, ill-fitting clothing, bad haircuts (I'm already there!) and infrequent bathing and odd smells.  Throw in some liniment and a walker, along with one of those handicapped signs for your car, and you're there.  Heck, I already belong to AARP!

Maybe Mother was right.  The best thing to do is fill your pockets with stones and walk into the sea.  Getting old SUCKS and in a big way.  And like boiling a frog, it is so gradual, you never notice you are turning into "one of them" until it is too late!

Check your basement for pods!  You may already be one of the old people!