Wednesday, February 1, 2012
It's time to play.... WHEEL! OF! KARMA!!!
(Scene: Glittery game-show stage with game wheel and contestant podium, live studio audience. Theme song plays, camera zooms over applauding audience, up to stage, to focus on game show host, his lovely multi-armed assistant, and game wheel.)
Host: Welcome to Wheel of Karma, where contestants vie for fabulous Karma! I'm your host, Matt Payback, and this is my lovely assistant, Durga. Let's go to our first contestant!
Announcer: Our first contestant is always in a hurry! She drives her car like she stole it, running stop signs, speeding, cutting people off, and of course, tailgating! Never one to waste valuable time, she catches up on her cell calls and text messages while on the road! Let's meet......Suzie Speed!
(audience applause, young blonde woman trots out to contestant podium)
Host: Well, Suzie, welcome to the show!
Suzie: Hang on, I have to finish this Tweet. This is so cool.
Host: That's just great, Suzie, I can see the Karmic Wheel has a lot in store for you!
Suzie: Uh, so, do I spin the wheel now?
Host: No need, the Karmic Wheel spins for you! Let's see where it lands!
(wheel spins, audience claps in unison)
Host: Ohhhh! Too Bad! It landed on "Speeding Ticket!" - and Suzie, that is your third this month! But wait, the wheel is spinning again!
Suzie: Gee! This is fun! Can I buy a vowel?
Durga: (snarling) Wrong game show, bimbo!
Host: And the wheel is stopping, and it looks like you've won "Massive Insurance Increase!" Wow! The Karmic Wheel has really turned for you, Suzie. Tell us, was it really worthwhile to get home a minute-and-a-half sooner?
Suzie: Well, I didn't want to miss the intro to "Bridezilla" you know...
Host: Wow! The wheel is spinning again! And it looks like its landing on..... Auto Accident!
(sound effect, fog horn)
Host: Oh, too bad, Suzie! It looks like another massive insurance increase, a stay in the hospital and you car is destroyed! Talk about Karma!
Suzie: Say, this game isn't fun at all!
Durga: (growling) Matt, may I behead her now?
Host: (laughing) Oh, Durga! Always with the beheading! No, it seems that the Karmic Wheel has spun out here. Suzie will be in the assigned risk pool for a number of years and forced to drive crappy clapped-out cars. And she will drive these badly, too, and spend the rest of her life paying twice as much to drive shitboxes as she would to have a nice car - and all to save a few seconds of time!
Suzie: I don't get this game. What did I win?
Host: Yes, you clearly didn't. You don't win shit. Bu-Bye now!
(Stagehand leads Suzie off stage, audience politely applauds)
Host: Well, it looks like our time is about up! Stay tuned next week, when we'll have a special celebrity guest on Wheel of Karma! Former Presidential Candidate, John Edwards!
(audience wildly applauds, Durga grunts and growls)
Host: And look, the Karmic wheel is already spinning! Wow, talk about Karma!
(closing theme song starts)
Host: Thanks for viewing! And folks, remember, whenever you see injustice in life, large or small, just remember, the Wheel of Karma is always spinning. And the wheel will turn, faster than you think! Good night now!
(closing credits, end)