Sunday, March 4, 2012


Telemarketers are back, and blowing through the 'Do Not Call' registry the same way an abusive husband tears through a restraining order.

True Story:  The other day, I get yet another one of those robo-calls that says, "DO NOT HANG UP!  This is not a telemarketer call!  You have selected to receive a FREE GE Alarm System!"

Now, chances are, you've been getting this call, too.  I have had it at least 10 times.  And yea, it is fraudulent, and if you do business with these people, you should not act surprised when you get ripped off.  After all, they have telegraphed, up front, what low-life lying scumbags they are.  They are violating Federal Law by violating the "Do Not Call" act.  And if you do business with them, don't expect it to go uphill from there.

And of course, it goes without saying, if you do business with them, you encourage this sort of thing.

But I like to have fun with telemarketers, so this time, I hit "1" and the following conversation took place.

STEVE (telemarketer):  "Congratulations!  You've won a new alarm system!  My name is Steve and let me tell you about this fantastic opportunity!"

ME (using same over-animated voice):  "Gee! Thanks Steve!  But before you do that, let me ask you a question, OK?"

STEVE: "Uh, sure..."

ME: "Tell, me Steve, have they PAID you yet?"

STEVE: "Actually, uh, no..."

ME:  "That's right, Steve!  And they aren't going to!  You see, Steve, you work for a telemarketing company that has no compunction about violating Federal Law, ripping off their customers, and of course screwing their employees, sometimes literally.  And these folks hire young energetic guys like you, promise you all sorts of riches, and then don't pay you, hoping you keep showing up for work for at least a month, before you finally get wise to their excuses, and quit.  Have you thought about QUITTING, Steve?"

STEVE (whispering): "Well, actually..."

ME:  "Well, this is your LUCKY DAY, STEVE!  I'll tell you what.  Just take off the headset, put it down on the table, get up from your cubicle, and just WALK OUT THE DOOR.  Because you know, Steve, this isn't even a REAL JOB, is it?  In a REAL JOB you get PAID.  And you are just WASTING YOUR TIME at this telemarketing gig - you really can't even put this job on your resume, or let me say, if I was you, I wouldn't!"

STEVE: "Well, I..."

ME:  "BUT WAIT, Steve, THERE'S MORE!  If you ACT NOW, you can actually get your life and career back on track!  You could take this precious time you are spending working for a CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION that WON'T PAY YOU and put it to good use!  You know, a real job, or going back to school.  Even just being unemployed would be better than working for NO PAY!  So, whaddya say, STEVE?"

STEVE:  "Fuck it, I'm out of here!"


* * * 

We all have to do what we can.  Who knows?  Maybe I turned his life around.